The Home You Make
by polysgirl
Summary: Follow Linden and Holder as Linden mends fences and they learn how to make a home... Rated M for some content. (Temporary Note: This has not been abandoned! Just sidelined a bit because of... other things. It's in progress, I promise!)
1. Coming Home

Jumping back into writing after a 9 year life and school hiatus. Main goal: keeping characters that aren't mind in character.

All usual disclaimers apply: don't own em, don't make money off em, just having some fun with characters I came to love, and trying to get my writing legs back before moving back into original stuff.

* * *

"Shit, Holder. Focus." He muttered to himself. He made a point of being present in every way for the members of his NA support groups, but it was almost impossible, this afternoon. All he could hear was her whispered "Bye" (was there a hint of agony in her tone? He'd like to think so, but he wasn't sure if it was agony for leaving or agony for actually baring her soul, willingly, for a change), and all he could think about was how it felt to finally hold her when he'd wrapped her in a fierce hug. And, he couldn't figure out if it was real, or just a dream. He could have conjured her up. God knows, he'd missed her enough. Missed their arguments, the crazy conversations, picking at her until she either got mad or actually cracked a smile. Missed finding a way through her walls - not over or under, but busting straight through sometimes. Kind of. They were some tough walls. He missed having her beside him, in that stupid car, exasperated at his jokes (he cracked them just for her reactions, sometimes). But mostly, he missed the way she saw him as something better than he really was. 1-900-Rockstar.

Or she had seen him that way. Until he'd fucked it all up. He wished for so many years to have the chance to apologize. To tell her he was sorry for not being there, enough, for her. He was going through his own shit too, but he should have realized how badly the guilt was eating her, how terrible it really was for her at that time. Maybe he should have fucking hugged her. But he hadn't. Afterall, she was Linden, tough as nails. She was stoic when the shrink walked away from her, and nonchalant when she pushed the ferry kid away... he didn't figure she was that overwrought over Skinner being out of her life, per se. The man had killed all those young girls, afterall. And in his experience, she didn't let anyone in, or get invested with the men she slept with. They just filled a void of loneliness. So he hadn't realized that she really, truly thought differently about Skinner, or how messed up she really was. He'd thought that Skinner had just broke her trust...not her heart. He should have noticed, but he was too wrapped up in his own shit, with the baby and Caroline and Riddick riding his ass to turn on his BFF. He wished he had realized what was going on when she pointed that gun at him. If he had known that she was preparing to confess, absolve him, and then run away before anyone realized she was leaving, he never would have just walked away. If he had known, he would have hugged her then. He had never hugged her before. Despite all the hell they'd been through together, he'd never have dared - he knew it would be enough to send her running. With only rare exceptions (and even then he had to take care), any physical contact had to be initiated by her.

This time, though? Why the hell not. She was already running, maybe even before he'd let his heart bleed all over his sleeve and asked her to stay. But that was the nail in the proverbial coffin. One stupid word out of his mouth, and all of a sudden she was skittish as a cornered rabbit, worrying about tickets - she wasn't worried when she parked there for gods sakes, and looking for a way to run. He did the only thing he could do, then. Let her go, say Bye, and hug her as hard and tightly as he could, trying to absorb and memorize the feel of her body against his, before she disappeared again.

 _"_ _Stay."_ What was he thinking, asking that of her. If he knew Linden, and he used to know her better than anyone else did, that was an invitation for her to run. _Stay. Look what's in front of you. Stay._

And that part...the one where she said that **they** were home. God. There she was, cracking his jokes - Ross dress for less 3 for one rack. There she was, in the flesh - and a healthier looking flesh - apparently she'd figured out how to remember to eat. Maybe. There she was, all awkard smiles and Linden eyes, and smiling at him, looking at him like he was so important, like he mattered, like he was better than he really was. Like he was oxygen. There she was, telling him that he was her home. There she was, apologizing for shit she didn't fucking have to apologize for. There she was, baring her soul in a exceptionally non-Linden way with her heart in her goddamned eyes. And there she was, panicking and running away. Whether she was scared of taking the chance on him, or scared of the City and what it represents in her mind, he will probably never know. And it hurt.

Oh, did it ever hurt.

He commented here and there as the day's activities wore on, tried to keep the meeting up beat and actioning, but he was pretty sure his flock noticed that he wasn't up to his usual energy flow. His Chi was all messed up. Finally, it was over.

"Ohhhkayyy, I know you're all sad to be leaving this fine establishment for the day, but you have a reflective journal entry to keep you occupied tonight, and we'll present them to the group at Oh-Ten-Hundred tomorrow. Be here, or be poor. Last one in brings Wednesday's Funyuns!" There was the scraping of chairs and chatter of his peoples as they filed out of the room, but even the general noises didn't drown out the word in his head. Linden. Linden. Linden.

She looked like she'd found peace. But not enough. Not enough to stay.

He breathed a shaky sigh and sat down backwards in a chair, resting his head on his hands on the back of it. God, she tore him up. Even Caroline hadn't managed to shred him like this, and she had birthed his little girl.

Linden. Had she even really been here?

* * *

She drove, mindlessly, aimlessly. She drove, down the paths they'd travelled together in that stupid car, smoking way too many cigarettes and having more spats than friendly conversations. Past the park, and the Larson's old home. She wondered how they were getting on, if the fractures in their family had healed. She just kept driving, thinking about the past, thinking about Holder as he stood in front of her earlier today. She stopped at the cemetery, Kallie and Bullet's final resting place. With a choked laugh she remembered how Holder, in the throws of grief, had tried to kiss her.

But after the way he'd whispered _Stay_ to her today, she had to wonder if that almost kiss had really just been the product of grief, as she had assumed. What would have happened if she closed her eyes? She regretted not being brave enough to try.

Eventually she parked her car, walked to the water's edge, and just stared at the City of Seattle. _It's just perspective, isn't it_? he'd suggested. Was it? She concentrated her gaze. Was the City dark and dying? Full of death and destruction? Or life and possiblitities? She had finally come to accept that there was no bad guy, that life just was. Seattle had life, but did it have one for her? Did she dare try?

Could she bear to be without him again?

When he'd hugged her, she never wanted him to let her go.

He was her home.

But this city, it held nothing but the pain from her past.

And him. It held him.

She had to see him again.

* * *

His feet felt weighted with lead as he finished cleaning up and locked up the building. Heart heavy, he was just turning to start down the steps when a flash of white and blue caught his eye. And there she was. Again. He blinked once. Twice. And a third time to be sure, but there the car still was, except now she was getting out of it, with a small smile. He felt his face light up and he sauntered down towards her. He swore her smile grew. He didn't stop moving until he was a hair's breadth in front of her, hands in his pockets, and then he just stood there. Staring. Down into her face. She was still smiling, with something that looked like hope and uncertainty and love shining out of eyes.

"You came back." It was a question, but he worded it as a statement so that she couldn't talk her way out of being here again.

She nodded, her throat working, as if she was considering what to say but also scared to speak. "Did...Did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" His gaze bore into hers.

She cut her eyes away from him, took a shaky breath, and then back at him before whispering "Stay."

"Liiinnnnndeeennn." He drug her name out, exasperated. "Would I screw with you like that? If I don't mean it, I don't say it! Messes with my Chi." Bloody woman would be forever second guessing everything, he imagined. But if she stayed he'd gladly tolerate her inability to take things at face value. He'd tolerate anything to have her by his side.

She breathed out a shaky laugh, opened her mouth, and then closed it again. Her eyes were reflecting her soul, and he could see that underneath the hope, her soul was worried. Then he worried she might run again, so he pulled his hands out of his pockets and gave into the urge to touch her, placing a hand on either shoulder, anchoring her. He squeezed them gently.

"You came back." He stated again.

She broke eye contact and cut her eyes towards the sidewalk. He waited. Her shoulders shuddered under his grip as she breathed a shaky breath, and then slowly she raised her head and met his gaze again. "You aren't going to make a big deal out of this, are you?" Her words came out rushed, but her tone was wry, and she made some exaggerated attempt at rolling her eyes that made him chuckle. Classic Linden redirection.

"Depends. You staying? Or did you just miss your flight?" He winked at her so she would 'get' that he was joking at the last bit. She wasn't always so good at reading people, and he didn't want her to think he was insulting her. God knows, she'd probably take it personally and storm off like she used to. Difference is back then, he knew where she lived. This time, there was a whole big world for her to disappear into.

She got it this time, and rewarding him with a soft laugh. "No flights. Just me and the car." She looked at him, unsure of what to say, and then she gave a shuddering sigh. "I'm not brave, Holder. Not the way you are. I don't want this City. **I'm scared of this city.** It brought me so much pain." She took a breath. Swallowed convulsively. "But it also brought you. I want to be home."

"Home is me. And you. In that stupid car. You said it this afternoon." He reminded her, softly, as he let his hands gently massage her shoulders, memorizing the feel of their curves under his hands.

"Yes...but" her voice was barely a whisper, and he bent forward to better hear her.

"No buts, Linden."

She gave her head a sharp shake in frustration. "But... I might not be very good at this." She broke off with another shuddering breath

He couldn't help but move his hands again, tracing her jawline, cupping her cheek. "Quit worryin', Linden. I got your back. You're my BFF, remember?"

She let out a short laugh, her voice breaking partway through. He'd said that so many times, she remembered. Usually joking, cajoling, or just trying to get back into her good graces after he'd said something to piss her off. This time, though, his voice was soft, tender. Loving. And she saw everything in his eyes. "I don't deserve you. I've missed you, Holder."

He just smiled, gazed at her a moment longer before tucking a stray hair behind her ear and whispering. "Then come home. It ain't gonna be easy, Linden. But we'll work at it together. You don't gotta be perfect. You just gotta be you."

Her eyes fluttered closed, and when she opened them again they held a sheen of tears. Her mouth opened, and then closed again, and then opened, as she tried to speak. She swallowed convulsively, and her shoulders shook slightly under his hands.

"It's that simple, Linden." He could barely manage a whisper. His heart was in his throat as he waited for her to find the words.

She never did. Frustrated at her inability to verbalize, she finally just gave him a slight, jerky nod, her gaze locked on his.

"WHOOP! 1-900'S COMING HOME!" he hooted with joyous abandon before swooping down and capturing her lips with his. And then he was kissing her, and she was kissing him back. And he couldn't help himself, he lifted her off the ground and spun around.

"You're. Making. A big. Deal. Out of. This." She choked out between kisses, laughing through tears she barely noticed. He did notice, though, and he couldn't help but think that they were the tears of all of the angels smiling down on them, that day.

When they broke apart he wrapped his arms around and hugged her tightly to him, rocking slightly from side to side, his cheek on the top of her head. "It's the biggest deal in the world, Woman. You ready to get outta here?"

She pulled away slightly and beamed up at him. Positively beamed. He'd never seen the like of it on her face, ever. He couldn't quite keep up with her changing emotions and all these new ones he'd never seen her show, but he loved all of them. They were her. Her voice was soft, and slightly shaky, but she didn't hesitate with her words. "Yeah. Can I crash with you? Or should I get a hotel? I can get a room."

"Relax, girl. The dojo is ready and waiting. Plus, you're my ride."

"I am?" She let out a startled laugh. It was like being blasted back to, well...before.

"Yup. 'Cept this time, I'm driving." he shot her his boyish grin, oh how she had missed that insulent grin, as he swiped her keys.

"Hey!" She swatted at him, trying to snag the keys back with a laugh that was happier than anything he'd ever heard come out of this woman. It made him grin even wider as he ducked around her and slid into to the driver seat. She just stood outside the car, staring at him, a hand over her mouth, her eyes soft and shoulders shaking with mirth. He loved that look on her. He could sit there and stare at her forever. Except he really wanted to get her home, curl up on the couch, and hold her until he could finally believe this was real. He thought maybe she needed that too.

After waiting another minute while she stood rooted to the pavement, he rolled his eyes. "Yo! Linden. You gonna get in or what? Come one!"

With a final snorting laugh, she crossed around and climbed into the passenger seat. He slid his gaze towards her and smiled.

The first few minutes passed in silence as he drove towards his apartment. He worried that she was changing her mind. Her mind was mercurial, he remembered, and he knew that finding comfort and security in them would still be a journey for her. He was trying to think of something witty to say, something to make her laugh and break up the silence, something that would help him gauge where her thoughts were taking her.

Then, she let out a quiet chuckle. "I guess you spent your afternoon dialing 1-900-LINDEN, huh?"

"Don't you know it! and it appears I have **received.** " He reached over, and twined his fingers with hers. He didn't let go until they were pulling up to his building.


	2. Settling In

They rode the elevator to his floor side by side, his arm draped over her shoulder. Funny, he was never so touchy-feely before, she thought. Then again, she didn't exactly invite that level of closeness. He had been right, that day long ago at the prison when he told her she was scared. To need it, want it, and lose it. Relationships were just a way to dispel loneliness. She didn't do them with anyone who might actually risk hurting her. If she felt that risk, she sabotaged it. If she felt like her world was threatened, she sabotaged it. And letting someone in - truly letting them in - definitely threatened her world.

His arm stayed casually slung over her shoulders as he led her towards his apartment. Yeah, this definitely threatened the order of her world. But she'd finally realized that she'd never have a home if she didn't take a chance. And if he was home, then she had to take a chance on him.

But taking a chance meant she'd have to be open, and honest. This was Holder. Not some random guy available when she was lonely. Not that there had been any of them recently, either. Not since that night. That last night before she'd blown her world up good, and drug Holder along for the fallout.

"Yo, Linden!" She jumped, a bit, and brought her eyes up to Holder.

He tapped her head gently, just beside her temples, with a finger on either side. "Those gears in here keep cranking that hard, they're gonna set my smoke alarms off. What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?"

Shit. She hadn't meant to lose herself in her thoughts. She just. Wasn't sure how... Well, Shit. She glanced around, trying to come up with something to say. "You have the same couch." She commented. Lame, Linden, she chided herself. He's never going to believe that. And she was right, his face fell a little bit, as if he was disappointed that she would still close herself off and not share. She just... didn't know how to say it. Not yet. And she didn't want him to think she was getting ready to run. And he'd probably thing that if she told him that part of her felt like she was threatening her own existence. He'd be hurt. And she'd hurt him enough. God, she'd done enough damage to last them four lifetimes. She didn't want to do anymore. She was tired of breaking things.

He looked like he wanted to say something, making her worry for a long second that he was going to call her on her redirection, but then he shrugged. "I'm a simple man, Linden. Don't need new furnishings every year. That's one comfy couch. Me and that couch, we're attached." He paused, ran his hand over the side of her head, down her neck, her shoulder, stopping halfway down her arms. His gaze was steady on hers, unblinking. His touch comforting. She offered him a nervous smile, an apology that she hoped he could read in her eyes. 'S'alright, Linden. You can tell me when you're ready."

She acknowledged with the slightest nod, then wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him tightly. She was so grateful that he backed off, that he knew to back off. That he just let her be, without criticizing her when she couldn't get past her own shit.

"Dinner." Holder murmurred against her hair. "I should make us some dinner."

She thought about that. Domestic. Making dinner together. It sounded nice, but not tonight. "Mmmm...can we just order takeout? Less work. Takeout, tv, your couch?"

"You scared of my cooking, Linden? Cause I gotta tell ya, yours is probably a lot more dangerous than mine." He quipped, making her laugh. She pulled back a little bit, just enough to look up at him.

"More scared of mine than yours." She agreed. "It's just..." She struggled to put her feelings into words. She wasn't used to communicating her feelings, she was used to pushing them down, away, hidden. "I just...I..."

"Spit it out, Linden." his voice was soft, kind.

"Can we just be, tonight? Takeout, couch, tv?"

She saw when he understood. She was so grateful that he understood her without her having to come up with more words than she honestly had at the time. "Discovery channel ok?" He asked, tugging her towards the couch and flopping down, pulling her down with him.

"Whatever you want." She agreed. He called for delivery - lemon chicken and eggrolls and all of her favorites - her heart expanded at how easily he remembered -, and some weird vegan stuff on the side...Shit, she'd really hoped he'd gotten over that phase. She was still standing by the counter when he lowered himself into a slouch on the couch, and patted the seat beside him. It felt awkward, she thought, as she sat beside him, careful to not get too close, unsure of what her next move should be. Then, he took the decision away from her when he slung his arm over her shoulder, pulled her gently into his side, and started clicking through channels.

"You are going to pick a show, right?" She asked after a few minutes. "Not just flip channels so fast the changing screens makes my brain explode?"

"Ohhhh Snap! Linden's got more jokes!" He exclaimed, squeezing her tighter against him. "Saucy and bossy, just like the old days, but with jokes!" He chortled at his own humor while she rolled her eyes and pretended to huff exasperatedly. He was amusing as ever, but she didn't dare let him know that. His ego wouldn't fit in the room. "Got any more hidden in there?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." She shot back.

"And she learned how to banter when she was away! Linden's got new moves!" he crowed. "Wonder what other moves she's got." he pondered, waggling an eyebrow at her.

"Shut up, Holder." She resorted to the same line she always used when she wasn't sure how to deal with his relentless teasing. But the effect was ruined when a chuckle escaped in the middle of it. She could practically see his ego grow as he laughed, cuddled her closer, and settled in with the tv finally, blissfully, on one channel.

"You surprised the hell outta me today." he murmurred a while later, during a random commercial about toilet paper.

She was quiet for a long second before finally admitting "I surprised the hell out of myself." She shifted, slightly, so that her head was over his heart, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. She was half in his lap, but he didn't seem to mind. She definitely didn't mind. And wasn't that interesting. She'd analyze it later. Right now, she just wanted to relax, to enjoy being with this man she'd missed oh so very much.

"I never intended to come back to Seattle again." she finally admitted, softly.

"Why did you?"

The pregnant pause went on too long, and he panicked a bit, that she might be changing her mind about staying if she thinks too hard about it. "I mean," he continued, "I'm glad you did. I'm thrilled you did. I wouldn't have it any other -"

"Holder." She stopped him. "I know what you mean." She took a long, deep breath in, and then let it out again. "I came...because... I needed to see you. To apologize for being so awful. For not having faith in you, at the end-right before-when-"

"It's ok, Linden."

"No. It's not. You...You risked everything for me. And I..." Here, her voice cracked, "You were HOME, and I RUINED IT. I didn't even stop and think. I just lost it. I accused you- You never left - I didn't believe - I didn't think about all of the times you saved me - I just thought-"

"SARAH." His use of her first name stopped her increasingly frantic attempts at explaining, and she just stopped. Stopped talking, stopped breathing, just lifted her head and stared at him with a sheen of tears in eyes that mirrored all the same regrets he had.

"Sarah." He said again, softer, his gaze demanding she maintain eye contact. "You were WRECKED. I thought you were just rattled and squirrely and losing it over having shot Skinner. I knew it was personal to you, but I didn't realize until a long time later, when I was trying to figure out where the fuck we went so wrong, that Skinner actually mattered, that you were wrecked over more than just the shooting. More than just his betrayal of your trust. I didn't realize. I should have."

"No. You couldn't have." her voice was the barest whisper.

"I could have. I was wrapped up in my own shit."

She laughed, a short, disbelieving laugh. "Who'd have ever thought we'd both bottom out at the same time."

He ran his fingers through her hair, then caressed her face. "Yeah. At least when it was just one or the other of us getting beat to shit, or falling off our own wagons, the other was on solid enough ground to pick us up. But hey - we're here now. And that's all that matters."

She opened her mouth to respond, but couldn't find the words. Finally she offered him a small nod and a smile, and settled back in against his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm all over the place tonight. Tell me about Kalia." She requested, then settled in, listening to his stories, the timber of his voice, and the beat of his heart. Home.


	3. Alice

The sun was slowly setting, the sky a fiery red, as Alice Wallin prepared to climb onto the black beast's back. "All bad horses aren't black, but all Black horses are bad." She murmurred to herself, the old horseman's saying ringing true in her ears. This was definitely not the kind of horse she should be climbing on all by her lonesome when the whole farm was asleep. She wondered if Mike was home, in the house across the way. But knocking on the door to check meant talking, and she did her best not to talk to people. Nevermind explaining why she was here, instead of at home in bed. Nevermind that they refused to let her ride him, since she'd got hurt. Kid gloves. She didn't need kid gloves. She hadn't been a kid since she was six.

The black horse snorted, quivering beside her. He was in fine form, as usual. Fractious and unpredictable at best, a downright psychopath at his worst. She knew he'd kill her, if he could.

"Go ahead, you black bastard. Do you best. I've survived worse than you can ever dream of being." She snarled at him, positioning him at the mounting block and quickly, deftly vaulting on. He was off and running by the time she was seated in the tack. She settled in and tried to keep him safe without sending him into a tailspin.

She only knew one thing for certain. No horse, not even this psychotic creature, could ever hurt her more than humans had. She and the horse had one thing in common - they were both running from their own form of demons.


	4. Under the Cover of Night

"Hey, Linden. C'mon. Bedtime." She blinked the sleep from her eyes at the insistent gentle pressure on her shoulder, and the feel of whispered breath on her ear. For a minute, she was confused, and then her eyes focussed a bit. Holder. HOLDER. Holy shit.

"Huh?" She murmurred, blinking again. Holder?

"You can't even keep your eyes open. Come on. Bed's this way."

"I-sorry" she tried to apologize. "So tired."

"You've had a big day. And I bet all those thoughts still rattling around in your head aren't helping much." He helped her off the couch, and she had the vague thought that she should chastise him for criticising her brain, shouldn't let herself depend on him this way, but she was too tired to heed her own warnings. It was nice to feel cared for.

"Ok. I'm good." she shrugged him off as they got to the bathroom. She changed quickly, brushed her teeth, pulled her hair out of its ponytail, and ducked out so he could have his turn. She wasn't sure what to do now, so she just stood, staring at the bed. It looked inviting. So inviting she found herself crawling in before she could really consider if he meant for her to sleep there, or maybe just the couch. Or if she was brave enough to take this step, with him. Well, she supposed, she had to be - she agreed to stay, afterall. She burrowed under the covers and just waited, staring at the ceiling.

"Ohhhhhh SNNNNAAAAAPPPPPP!" Holder's voice caught her attention and she carefully looked over, trying to gauge his reaction. "Do your thang, 1-900!"

Shit. Maybe she'd misjudged it. She hunched her shoulders up, just trying to shrink as much as possible. "Sorry. I should have asked-"

"Nothing." He cut her off. "Bed looks fucking amazing with you in it." He strolled to the edge of the bed, then leaned over her, capturing her hands in his and looking down at her.

"What are you doing?" She asked, trying in vain to stop a nervous laugh from coming out. Damn Linden, she chided herself, you gotta learn how to react to stuff. It's not the first time you've been in a man's bed. It's not even the first time you've been in Holder's. But that was different - Jack was with her, then. And Holder slept on the couch. This... This is something else. And she wasn't quite sure how to handle it.

"Just let me admire this sight a minute." She swore his eyes were smirking at her.

"You're so weird." she rolled her eyes at him - he really was weird - but his words, and his hands, were helping her regain footing in the land of comfortable and she felt her shoulders relax.

"You l-...came back anyways." He pointed out. "Scoot over."

He killed the light and crawled in beside her, tucking her in against his body. She burrowed closer before she could stop herself or worry about it, and yawned. Then she realized that they were really well and truly in bed together, and how good his body felt pressed up against hers...and how hard...parts of it were. Her stomach flipped and she wasn't sure if it was desire or nerves. Probably the latter. "Are we gonna-"

He chucked in her ear, a soft, warm sound that soothed her soul. His finger trailed down her rib cage, and his hand settled on her hip. "It'll keep. You gotta be fully conscious to appreciate the experience." he teased. "'Sides, it ain't gonna be no booty call. When we do, you gonna be awake and it'll mean something."

"I'm awake." she disagreed, reaching for his shirt. Get the first time over with, she thought. It was just so awkward all of a sudden, for some reason. Her stomach fluttered again. Nerves?

"Linden." he shook his head. "I'm tryin' to be righteous here. We never hooked up before, a few more days won't hurt." he drawled, aiming for humor again in case she would mistake his words for rejection.

Her hands, small and, oddly, tentative, were still working at his shirt. "Days?! Please, Holder." She implored, bringing her face close to his. "Please." Don't give me time to over think this. she begged silently with her eyes. Don't let me think my way out of this.

He offered her a small shake of his head. "It needs to mean something. This. Us."

"It..." she started, then cut off and swallowed convulsively. Shit. Sex had never felt this...complicated...before. She shook her head sharply, bumping his chin in the process.

Shit. Don't panic, Linden, he thought. He tightened his hold on her, in case she got it in her head to bolt. Once a runner, and all...

With another shake of her head, she let out an unsteady breath. "It... It means everything."

* * *

She woke up, sometime in the middle of the night, curled up against him, her head pillowed into his shoulder. It felt so, so good. So right. So safe to be here, wrapped up in the smell of him, the feel of him, his arms around her. If they could just stay like this forever, she thought. Let morning forget to come. The sound of his heartbeat was a gentle comfort. His breathing was even, she'd have almost thought he was asleep, but she could feel his eyes on her, and she slowly looked up.

"What're you doing?" She asked, her voice tentative, curious.

"Looking at you." His was a soft whisper, as if he didn't want to break some spell. Maybe he didn't.

Her quiet laugh was musical. "That's creepy."

He was quiet a minute, trying to decide if he needed to backtrack, and joke around, or if he could go for raw honesty. He didn't want to scare her away, dammit. But she was naked in his bed, so he could probably catch her before she got out the door if she decided to run, right?

He breathed in deeply, slowly, and then let it back out again. "Just scared that I'll wake up and this won't be real. That you're not real."

She lifted herself off of him, a bit, and he felt the loss keenly. Shit! Wrong answer. He closed his eyes tight and chided himself, his mind spinning quickly, trying to plan his next move. To keep her. It stilled though, when she cupped his cheek in her hand, and he opened his eyes to find her gazing into them.

"I'm real." She said simply. And she didn't even stammer.

* * *

"Guess we should replace that car." he spoke lazily, his hand tracing circles down her back, as they recovered from another round of discovering a whole new world of things about each other. Things that felt so damned good and so damned right he thought his heart might explode out of his chest.

She giggled. Had he ever heard her giggle before? He was pretty sure he loved pillow-talk Linden better than all of the other Lindens put together. And he loved them all a LOT...Just sayin'. But pillow-talk Linden was SARAH - soft and open, vulnerable, real. He couldn't believe she was really here, a dream come true. He'd give thanks to every single deity under the sun for the miracle that was Sarah Linden, in his bed, all naked and warm against him.

"I have a car." She pointed out.

"YOU have a car. And I have an apartment. But We...we need a new vehicular-like living space to be Home in."

Her hand was still cupping his cheek, but the fingers that had be lazily, probably subconsciously, caressing his face stilled. "What do you mean?"

"Like a house, Sarah. Ours. Together." He suggested, his voice soft and cautious. He was pushing the boundaries, here in this bed, and he knew it. It was probably way too soon. But it would be something that was theirs, something that would maybe keep her here, he thought.

"A house..." She trailed off, her body still. He could feel her slipping away, somewhere he couldn't follow, in that locked up head of hers.

"Now don't go getting all scared on me, Linden. Don't go running away on me over this. Not when I just finally got you back." Dammit, he should have kept his stupid fool mouth shut. He never did totally learn to not say everything that ran through his head. Good thing he'd have time to tackle her before she managed to get clothes on, he thought. "It'll keep. We can wait. We don't gotta do nothing anytime soon."

She stayed distant, for a few minutes. She wasn't trying to pull away, but this was heavy, real, and something she had to...she didn't know... think about. What did he mean? Then she felt his arms tighten around her, as if he was scared that if he didn't pull her into him, she'd disappears.

"I'm here." She squirmed a minute, until his arms loosened, then raised herself up to cup his face in her hands. "I'm trying this you and me against the big bad City thing again."

"A house, Sarah. With a yard for Kalia to play in. Maybe a dog. Our Sanctuary. Our safe space. You and me, in this big bad city." He paused, and he looked directly into her eyes, unblinking, his gaze intent. "You and me, this time, we're not against the big bad City. We don't gotta fight it. We just have to live in it."

He could see her mind processing that statement, the gears turning until she smiled. "You're my home." She murmured softly. And then she kissed him. His hands, which had been rubbing up and down her back through the exchange, stilled, his arms tightening, and then he rolled them. Then, she was underneath him, all warm, inviting Sarah. His hands moved over her body - God, the things she could do to him with that body -, his mouth all over her face, and he worshiped her again, slowly and thoroughly and in all the ways she deserved.

A long while later, he was just drifting off, their bodies in a tangle of arms and legs and her head burrowed in his shoulder again. He was almost gone when he heard her sleepy whisper. "Can it be on Vashon?"

"Hmmm?"

"Our home? Can it be on the Island? It's so peaceful there."

His heart lightened at her words, but he didn't want to talk logistics and commitment now. He wanted to make sure she was still here when he got up in the morning...and he hadn't had a chance to hide all of her clothes. "Maybe. Sleep a while, Linden. We have all the time in the world to decide."

She burrowed in closer, as if she wanted him to absorb her, and rested her head over his heart. Only after he felt her breathing even out did he finally succumb to sleep himself.


	5. Day 2

When she woke up the next morning, she was alone in the bed. Her mind went back to the night before, on their conversations, the soft touches, and the way his body felt over hers, under hers, in hers. She had thought they'd wake up together, too, and she felt the loss of him keenly. A sharp ache to her heart, that brought all of the fear back. What if he changed his mind? What if the light of day made him realize it could only be a dream? It felt like only a dream. She realized, more keenly than ever, that she really did want this. This chance. With him. She didn't want him to change his mind.

"Stop." She told herself firmly, before rolling out of bed. "Don't think the worst." So many muscles screamed in protest - a long lack of use, she supposed. She grabbed one of his shirts off of the chair in the corner and pulled it over her head before padding out to the doorway.

He was in the kitchen. Humming to himself. Humming! while wandering around, cooking God only knows what. It smelled good. And then he turned, and when he saw her he went still.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh Snap!" His initial greeting from the day before came out, again. "1-900-LINDEN in the FLESH." His gaze raked across her body, and she realized she'd never felt so self conscious. At least, not without shutting down and running. The urge was strong, but instead, she offered him a smile. "And what fine flesh it is." He finished, and winked at her.

She couldn't help the nervous half-laugh that escaped. "Morning."

"And what a FINE morning it is! Damn, woman." He exclaimed. And then he just stood there. And looked at her. And she felt the biggest smile creep across her face, until her lips and cheeks hurt from it.

"Whaddup with the grimace, Linden?" He joked, putting down the pan that was in his hands and walking slowly towards her.

"I'm not grimacing. I'm smiling." She protested.

"S' one scary smile." he pointed out, as he stopped in front of her and framed her hips with his hands.

"Don't." her laugher still had a hint of nerves, she knew, and she knew he knew it too.

"Don't what? Touch you? Cause baby, that ship has sailed. It's way out to sea, now." He waggled his eyebrows at her and she couldn't help the breathless laugh that escaped.

It was a weird feeling, laughing, smiling, looking into his eyes as he grinned back at her, boyish and sweet. She could see joy shining in his eyes. Joy, and something else. Love, she thought.

"Morning." She murmured, still smiling up at him. He leaned down and dropped a kiss on her lips, then steered her towards the kitchen.

"Come on, Linden. Casa de Holder serves a fiiiinnnneee breakfast."

* * *

"You have to work today." She said around a bite of his eggs. It was a novelty for him to watch her actually eat, but he was smart enough to not say so right now.

"I do I do, 12 steps don't stop just for you, Mamacita." His voice was light, and she knew he was teasing. "What about you? What are you going to do on this beautiful day?"

"I don't know." She mused as she took her plate the the sink, then went quiet "I guess, just..." He watched her turn, lean against the counter, and offer him a helpless shrug. "I don't know."

"Well, just don't be long gone when I get home, ok?" He said it lightly, but she could hear the under current of worry in his voice.

"I won't just leave, Holder. You deserve better than that." She paused, but spoke again before he could. "You deserved better than that 5 years ago." She admitted in a soft whisper.

"Now don't you go doing that, Linden. This house, me, we're a self-hatred free zone." He swatted her shoulder gently, taking the sting out of his demand.

"Oh?" She let out a startled laugh.

"Oh." He agreed. "This is a self-LOOOOVVVEEE zone, and if you start that self-hatred shchittt again, I'm just gonna hafta 12-step it right outta you."

Her laugh this time was real, genuine. "You're weird. And kind of an idiot." She laughed.

"S'what you love about me, Linden." He answered easily, swinging an arm over her shoulder and hugging her to him.

"Mmmmm. Missed it, too." She admitted. She shifted, wrapped her arms around his waist, and hugged him tightly. "Thing is..." she whispered, then took a steadying breath. "It's just... scary. You know?"

"I know. Scares me too, Sarah. But I'm sure happy you're here. Just gotta take it one step at a time."

Sarah nodded against his chest, and relaxed into him. They stood in silence for a good five minutes, and she marveled at how, underneath the tendrils of old fear that kept cropping up, how good it felt, how right, to be here with him. "Maybe I'll go to the docks today. See if Regi is there. And get a newspaper. Guess I'll need a job." Her words were rapid, unsure, hesitant, and rushed all at the same time. Safe subject, newspaper. Five years may have brought her realization and some level of peace, but only mending important ties and finding her footing here again would help her feel comfortable.

"Take your time, Linden. The jobs will still be jobs tomorrow." It was his way of reminding her that she didn't need to panic, rush, or build Rome in a day. "Visiting Regi is a great idea, though. She'll be thrilled to see you."

"How the hell do you know that?" She pulled back and looked at him, her eyes narrowed.

"Why wouldn't she be? She cares about you."

"I...kind of ...ruined it pretty good, when Jack was here that last time." She admitted, shifting her gaze to the floor. Oh, how she hated admitting that.

"Did you point a gun at her?"

"What? NO!" she jerked her head back up. "Of course not."

"Well, then I'm sure you'll be a welcome surprise."

"I don't kn-"

"I mean, HEY," he interrupted. "I was happy to see you. And I did see the inside of your gun."

"Holder..." he caught the anguish in her tone and pressed a finger to her lips.

"Shhhh. We're good. I'm glad you're back. Regi misses you. Go see her."

"You don't know that she misses me." The disbelief in her tone made her roll her eyes.

"Hey, me, Regi, and Jack - we all kept in touch. Had to make sure you were doin' ok somehow." He watched her run a hand over her face, her expression going blank, maybe with a tinge of angry. "Look, Linden. Don't go getting all frosty over it. I didn't mean nothin' by it except knowing you were still alive somewhere."

"I'm not frosty." she scowled at him, then her expression softened. "I just... didn't realize."

"We're good, ok? We probably gotta talk about it, but it'll keep for now. I'm gonna get to work, and you - get some rest. Make yourself at home. Don't think too much. Go see Regi."

"Yes, Sir." she rolled her eyes before standing on her tip-toes to kiss him.

"Oooh, Linden's gonna obey?" he joked, giving her a quick kiss back and stepping out the door. "Don't worry - I won't get too used to it." He laughed. "See you tonight."

She smiled at the closed door, anxious for the evening, for Holder. Might as well get moving, she supposed. Day'll pass faster if she finds something to do.

She's good at being alone with her own thoughts, at least. But she'd been instructed not to think too much. Ha Ha. Ha. The impossible task. He was so good at reading her, which was scary, but wonderful all at the same time. Wonderful, because if he didn't leave after she pointed a gun at him, he probably really would always stay. She tidied the apartment a bit, cleaning up breakfast and just trying to show she cared, about him and his space and everything else. Then, stretching, she decided it was maybe time to get dressed and go see if Regi was around. Before she lost her nerve.

* * *

The docks hadn't changed much. Or at all, really. The more things change the more they stay the same, she mused. Same old password - how could she remember that? - got her in. And there was Regi's boat. She stood on the dock for a long minute, just looking at it. They hadn't talked at all, since that night she'd stormed off the boat. She wondered how Regi would react to seeing her. Regi had told her no one really knew her. She had been right, however it didn't change the fact that Sarah didn't have a clue how to fix that problem.

Just do it. she told herself. No sense standing around all out of place. Or was she out of place? She wasn't sure, but on that note, she forced herself to step forward, to the edge of the boat. "Hellooooo" she called. "Regi?"

A few thumps and a minute or so later, and Regis' head popped up on deck. "Yes? What can I -" She watched as Regi's voice faded, and her face changed expression to one of...she wasn't sure if it was disbelief or horror. "Sarah?"

She offered her a tentative smile. Or maybe a grimace. "Hi."

"Sarah Linden." Regi said, and she flinched under her old social worker's gaze. "Wondered if we'd ever see you again."

Unsure what to do, she extended the coffee she'd brought as a peace offering. "Surprise?" Say something, Regi. I don't know how to do this.

"Five years, Sarah. You could have called, you know."

She could have, and she felt badly for that. But she hadn't thought Regi would want to hear from her. Not after that night... Not comfortable voicing that thought, she just shrugged. "Jack called."

"It's different, Sarah."

"Yeah." she agreed softly. "It is." She hoped Regi could see the apology on her face, because she wasn't sure she could verbalize it. She swallowed, and her voice cracked. "I'm sorry."

Regi offered her a half smile, and gestured her onto the boat. "Come in. When did you get into town?"

"Just yesterday." she admitted, with an awkward shrug. "I drove around, some. Just... seeing how it looked. If it changed. What Seattle was like now. Just thinking."

"Jack tells me you've been on a journey. Is it helping?" Regi asked, leaning forward with her arms on her knees, with an expression that held intent concern.

"I think... that really... life is the journey." She admitted, then shrugged. ""I don't know. It's a lot of time to think. And reflect on where I fit...if I fit. How are you? and Ellen?"

"We're good. I'm managing social workers now. We spent a lot of time out on the water. You should come out with me sometime."

"I'd really like that, Regi." She admitted softly. "I'm so glad I've had you in my life."

The conversation may have started stilted, but before either of the women realized it, the day had passed and it was nearing 5. Regi noticed the time first. "Ellen will be home soon. Stay for supper."

"I can't. Not tonight." she apologized, and then startled. Regi's invitation made Sarah realize she had no idea what time it was. She glanced up at the clock. "Oh SHIT. I have to go, Regi. Holder'll be home soon."

"Holder? Your old partner?"

She couldn't stop the stupid smile that spread over her face, and that was answer enough.

"Is that smart, Sarah?"

"Don't judge me, Regi. Or him."

"How long are you in town for?" Regi asked, as they walked along the docks towards her car.

"I don't know." She paused, pursing her lips. Maybe she should just try saying it. See how it feels. "Forever, I think. Maybe." There, that was a closer commitment.

It was Regi's turn to startle. "Really?'

She couldn't quite tell if Regi's tone was questioning or skeptical, and she felt like she was under the microscope, judged and found lacking. "Why are you questioning all of my choices?"

"Sarah, I love you like a daughter. You know that. There's nothing I'd love more than for you to be back. But this City, it's never been good for you."

"It's never been very good TO me, either, but maybe it will be now." She thought of Holder's eyes, of the promises in them. "Maybe it can be now."

"Will it? Remember Rick? This City, your job, you let it ruin that relationsihip."

"No." She said sharply. She felt anger rise in her chest. "Rick let it ruin the relationship. He didn't have my back."

"Oh Sarah..." Regi sighed and it was only the worry that Sarah heard in her old friend's voice that made her stop, breathe, and look past her instant reaction of anger.

"He didn't have my back, Regi." She continued, quieter. "He didn't understand. IF he had waited, when the Larsen case was done I would have been there. I really would have been there. He didn't understand me. I wanted to go, I wanted to have a HOME. He was promising me a HOME. But I had to see it through." And she still probably would have booked that flight, after the case was done for good, if she hadn't of walked out of the psych ward to a waiting room that only held Holder.

"Are you still like that? What will Holder do? It's a pattern with you Sarah, if you get obsessive about something again, do you really think he'll handle it differently than Rick?"

Sarah laughed, the laugh slightly bitter because of past memories, but also warm, because thiis whole conversation just reaffirmed the rightness of her decision.

"He already has. Rick told me...when I missed my...oh..third, fourth? flight? that he wasn't willing to sit in a room and watch me stare at a whilte wall again. He washed his hands of me. Meanwhile Holder - someone who barely knew me, and I was a total bitch to him half the time, honestly. He knew nothing about my time in the institution, nothing about my past, my history. And there he was, shoving food in my face and flat out refused to follow leads if he thought we needed sleep. He refused to leave me alone when Jack fucked off with his father without a word for two days. He... He poked and prodded and picked into my personal life and PISSED. ME. OFF. God I hated him." She shook her head, and she knew her laugh held a hint of the wonder she felt at it all. "And he just kept doing it. No matter how much I shut him out. I don't even want to KNOW what he had to do to get Rick here to get me out of the psych ward. And then the case was over, and I got out of the department."

"And then he drug you back in."

"Not really. Seeing the Picasso case through to the end did." She paused, but then started again, interrupting Regi before she could speak. "Holder has my back, Regi. He was there, he had it, through some really, really bad shit at the end." She felt the tears, heard them in her voice, and tried to squelch them. She fought her emotions, she was not going to cry here, or all the way back to Holder's. No way. He'd just pick at her to hell until she either got mad or told him why her eyes were red. "Really bad, awful shit. That he never should have had to deal with. And then, even... Even when I thought he was leaving, even when I thought he'd betrayed me, He hadn't. But I didn't see that until it was too late, and I thought I'd lost him, and I hated this city, and I left. And yesterday? He acted like it had never happened, like I'd never hurt him. I don't even come close to deserving that." And, damn them, the tears were almost spilling over. She closed them when Regi reached out and placed a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"You gonna tell me about it, sometime? This really awful shit?"

"No." she shook her head sharply. But then she thought about how Regi said that no one knowing her was the problem. And it all tied to the Picasso case, and so many things made more sense, maybe...and maybe it would help Regi understand. Understand her, understand WHY. "Well... maybe. Maybe someday. I don't know."

They stood in silence a minute, at the edge of the dock.

"Holder's the one who never leaves." She said simply, breaking the silence. And then the smile was back. She couldn't help it. "He's talking about buying a house."

Regi's eyes widened. Yeah, her old social worker knew her too well. "And you're going to do it?"

"Probably. Eventually. Yeah." This commitment thing was getting easier, maybe. But she was pretty sure she wasn't going to sign on the dotted line for a house tomorrow. Or the next day. Or even the day after that.

Regi looked at her a long minute, and then nodded and smiled. "It's good to see you, Sarah. Don't be a stranger. We've missed you too. We should go out on the water later this week."

She smiled. "I'll be around. I... I'll need to find a job. If you heard of anything..."

Regi nodded. "I'll let you know."

"Thanks. Regi. For always letting me come back, no matter how much damage I did."

"You're one of my favorite people, Sarah, remember? It was nothing."

"It was everything." She disagreed softly, then in her two millionth uncharacteristic-Sarah move for the day, stepped forward and hugged the woman. She felt Regi's surprise, and then she was being hugged back. This was right, she thought. Time to repair the important relationships. "I gotta go." She told Regi a minute later. "Holder'll get home and think I left town or something."

"Home." Regi called her on it.

"Yeah." Home. Who'da ever thought?

"See you soon?"

"Yep." She gave Regi a two finger wave as she bolted for the car.

* * *

Holder was in the kitchen when she let herself into the apartment. At the sound of the door, he turned, and she watched with a sharp pang of guilt as his face registered relief before lighting up with joy. Before she could really process it he had crossed the room in three long, languid steps and lifted her off the ground in a tight hug. It was natural instinct to wrap her legs around his waist, arms around his neck, and hug him back tightly. "I'm sorry." She murmurred in his ear. "I was on the boat with Regi and we lost track of time."

"It's no thing, Linden. I just need to hold you a minute."

She kissed his cheek and then rested her own against it. "Did you have a good day?"

"Mmm... I was a bit distracted today. Couldn't stop thinking about this hot little number I had waiting for me at home!"

She pulled back slightly and moved one hand to cup his cheek. "I meant to be back before you got home. I didn't mean to worry you."

"Wasn't that worried." he told her nonchalantly, his tone light. "Your clothes were still here."

"Checked, did you?" She matched his light heartened tone with a chuckle, then kissed him. He pulled her deeper into the kiss and headed towards the bedroom. "Hey!" She laughed against his mouth. "The stove."

"It's off, Linden. That isn't the fire we have to worry about." His words were teasing but it was obviously he had one thing in mind when he strode purposefully into the bedroom and dropped her unceremoniously on the bed. She was laughing as he joined her.

* * *

A few minutes later they were really quite distracted when her phone rang. She stilled. "Leave it." he rasped. "Whatever it is, it'll keep." he muttered, then captured her lips in a long, deep kiss before she could argue. Seconds after the phone stopped ringing, it started again. She reached blindly for the nightstand, intent on grabbing it.

"C'Mon, Linden. It'll keep." Holder sounded pained, even though she could tell he was trying to joke with her.

"It's Jack." she noted, seeing the display.

"Call him back."

"I should-" the phone stopped ringing and he had her too distracted to dial out. "God you feel good." She muttered, letting the phone fall to the bed.

And then it rang again. Holder stilled. "You kidding me right now?" She reached around until her fingers found the phone again and brought it up to her face. Jack again. She flipped it up to answer it at the same time as Holder snatched it out of her hands.

"Heeeeeyyyyyyyy, Lil' Man! Your mom's kinda busy right now. She'll call you back in a half hour. Or maybe an hour. Ok?" He didn't wait for an answer, just snapped the phone shut, tossed it the floor, and kissed her neck.

"I can't believe you just did that! You're soooo bad." she laughed, but it was cut off on a gasp as he sucked gently on the skin above her collarbone.

"You're sooooo mine." He shot back, his lips against her skin. "And at this exact moment in time, I'm not much inclined to share." He captured her lips again and within seconds she'd forgotten that her phone ever rang.


	6. Stormy Waters

"Phone Jack back." He reminded her as he turned the stove back on. He glanced back, amused at her bemused, confused expression. Her hair was down, messy, and she looked so sexy he was almost tempted to turn the stove off again. He wandered over, wrapped an arm around her waist, and kissed her forehead - just because he could.

"I can't believe you did that. Seriously, Holder. What were you thinking? He's my son!" She couldn't quite find it in her to be angry, but she definitely couldn't believe that Holder had...

"Jack's had you for the last five years. I haven't. Phone Jack back." He repeated, pressing her phone into her hand.

"Right." She nodded, then dialed.

"Mom."

"Hi Jack. How are you?"

"Was that Holder who answered your phone?" Jack got right to the point.

"Does it matter if it was?" She asked.

"Why was Holder answering your phone? What were you busy doing? Mom, are you ok?" She could tell Jack was worried and she felt the tiniest shred of guilt for allowing Holder to derail things and put her son off.

"I'm fine Jack. I'm wonderful, actually. And yes, that's Holder. We've been catching up. How's school?" She tried to keep her voice even as Holder twirled some of her hair around his finger and the brushed it against her neck.

"I don't understand why you were too busy to talk just because you're visiting Holder." Jack persisted, ignoring her attempt at changing the subject. "What were you doing that was so important?"

It was on the tip of Sarah's tongue to point out that she was the parent and it was none of his business, but then she shrugged. "You know what?" She asked her son, keeping her tone even and neutral. "I think that's a question that Holder can answer better than I can. Here, I'll let you talk to him. Keep it PG." she hissed at Him as she passed the phone over.

"Whuddup, Lil' Man?" Holder exclaimed cheerfully, stirring the contents of the pot. "Your mom and I? We were makin' up for lost time!" he shot her a lascivious wink.

"Holder, Behave." she hissed.

"Nah, your mom's never been better." the stirring slowed and Holder frowned. "What do you mean?" he shot into the phone, then motioned to Sarah to stir the pot and ducked out the door. She frowned after him. What the hell?

It was probably 20 minutes before Holder came back in, and handed her her phone without a word. He turned the stove off, dished out two bowls of delicious smelling...something... and handed her one.

"What was that about?" She asked, as she sank into the couch with her bowl. "Holder?" He stayed silent, methodically working through his bowl of stew. He was distant...too distant. And Holder didn't do distant. Any hunger she had felt vanished, her stomach twisting painfully. Something had changed Holder's mind, she was sure. She poked at the stew with her fork, feeling slightly nauseous.

"Eat your food." he muttered around his next mouthful. She tried a small bite and while she was sure it was delicious, all she could taste was lead. Why? What pulled him away from her? What was it about her that... with a sharp shake of her head she put the bowl down on the coffee table and got up to stare out the window. She wrapped her arms around herself to ward off the sudden chill that rolled through her body. She'd never seen Holder put up a wall before - he was always busting hers down, never putting up any of his own. If she had realized that one conversation with Jack would bring her newfound world crashing down, she never would have given Holder the phone. She closed her eyes tightly, but a tear escape and rolled down her cheek. Stop. Stop. Stop. She willed her mind to just stop and let her be. Alone. Was all she'd ever be. Home. Just an illusion she was stupid enough to think she could have.

"Linden." Holder's voice cut through her mental self-recriminations. "Come here and eat your food." Typical Holder. Make sure she's fed before he boots her out, she supposed. She couldn't bring herself to turn around, to face him, to see the truth in his eyes. So she just stayed where she was, still, hoping that maybe if she didn't move, didn't breathe, time would stand still. What the hell did Jack say to push Holder away from her?

She heard him sigh, and the sound of his bowl hitting the coffee table. Then, he was behind her, his hands on her shoulders. He pulled her back into him and wrapped his arms around her. "What the fuck, Linden." He muttered. "Come on."

"I-I...don't understand." She shook her head sharply and tried to break out of his embrace. His arms tightened.

"Little man told me."

"And now you want me to go." she surmised, hoping that her voice was more level and uncaring than it sounded to her ears.

"For fuck's sake. Anyone ever tell you you're crazy?" She couldn't stop her knee jerk reaction to 'crazy' and jerked as if she'd been shot. He pulled away, turned her, and with his hands on her shoulders, shook her. "Are you seriously gunna jump to that conclusion every time a man needs a bit of peace and quiet to think?"

"What did Jack tell you."

Without answering, Holder forcibly steered her to the couch, sat them both down, and anchored her with one arm while he stuffed her bowl back in her hands. "Eat. Or I'll spoon feed you myself." He threatened darkly.

When she was finally done - her stomach still in knots - he took her bowl from her with a grunt of satisfaction, then leaned back and tucked her closer against him. "Little man told me what it was like, when you first got to Chicago." he finally told her. "How disassociated you were with everything. How you you would go running for hours, until you ran yourself to exhaustion every fucking day. How he was scared that the way you were acting, you might leave forever. How he was terrified you might not want to even live anymore." He paused a moment. "How you'd have nightmares, and he'd wake up to hear you crying out, for me, in your sleep. He's worried Seattle will do that to you again. He's worried that whatever happened with me will, too." His words slowed through the last, as if it was hard for him to acknowledge it. Finally, he admitted "I should have come and found you, before you left. I shouldn't have let you just leave without makin' it right."

"It wasn't up to you to make it right. You didn't ruin it. I did. After everything you did for me... I never should have... I blew it all up." The words burst out of her in frustrated staccato units. She couldn't quite find the right ones, and gave up trying.

"S' no thing, Sarah. We're ok, you and me. It hurt because you meant so much to me, it hurt because I knew you were leaving and I couldn't do anything. You had to figure it out on your own. I'm just glad you did."

"It isn't nothing!" she exclaimed. "I didn't understand how you could even look at me, after what I did. That night. I was out of my mind. I should have listened to you when you told me to put the gun down. Skinner. I thought... He was leaving his wife. He came to me." She paused, her body tensing. "He said, that he and I, we were meant to be alone. I Didn't want to believe it. But then...for the last five years... I realized maybe it's all I would ever be."

"Bullshit." Holder interrupted.

"He did say it."

"He was wrong."

"I hope so." She whispered. "I thought he was wrong...then... So I kissed him. And then we... And then the next morning, you were picking on me."

"You were all giggly and happy and un-Linden like that morning." He smiled, remembering. "1-900-afterglow."

"Well, thanks. You're a real prince charming." She said dryly, swatting at him. Then she sighed heavily and burrowed back against him on the couch, trying to see if he could absorb her.

"Then..." she whispered. "Then we found out. I never knew. I had no idea. How could I have had no idea? I still don't understand that."

"People see what you want them to see, Linden. You saw what he wanted you to see."

"I should have seen it."

"You just wanted to belong somewhere. He used it to his advantage. He said and did what he needed to do to keep you where he wanted you."

"I thought he was good. I thought he cared about me. ME."

"If he had cared about you, he'd have never made you shoot him."

Her laugh was bitter, and he hated the sound. "He didn't make me do anything."

"No." Holder said sharply, seriously, shifting so that he was leaning over her, demanding eye contact. "I was there, remember? I watched him do it. He made you. He taunted you. He egged you on. He pushed you until you broke and pulled that trigger. And I hate him for that. You have no idea how much I hate him for that."

She was a bit taken aback at the last - Holder never hated. Holder didn't DO hate. She hadn't even really thougth he believed in the word. She shook her head sharply, dismissing his absolution. "I did it."

"You're no killer, Sarah. If it was you, just you on the other end of that gun, I would have been able to talk you out of it." He said simply. "I couldn't."

She was quiet for a long while, pondering. And then she nodded. "Maybe you're right. I thought he cared about me. I really thought he did. I felt like my own judgement betrayed me."

"He betrayed you. He manipulated your feelings to get what he wanted. He. Manipulated. You. Into doing the unspeakable, what he was too cowardly to do himself. He hurt you, deliberately, to drive you to kill him. He sacrificed you for himself. Think about it, Linden. It was psycho-fucking-logical abuse, plain and simple. He manipulated the Seward case, discredited you, let you end up in a fucking psych ward for Christ's sake, and then the second time around he just went right back to manipulating you and your feelings. If he loved you, he would have protected you. He'd have died to protect you."

"Is that why you stayed? You didn't have to. I never wanted to drag you along for the fallout."

"You couldn't drag me along for fallout you didn't know would happen. And of course I had to stay. You needed me." He said simply. She nodded against his shoulder again, but couldn't quite make herself relax against him.

"You were always there." She murmured. Protecting her, she thought. He was always protecting her. Often at his own expense. She hadn't even realized it. She supposed it was one more thing she had to add to her list of things to atone for. Maybe she was no better than Skinner, using Holder the way Skinner used her. She didn't dare voice as much, though.

"Always and forever, Linden. You know how we do."

And then, the tears that had been held back to the occasionally escapee really came, and she buried her face in his neck and sobbed for all of the hurt and the fear of the past. She felt his hands rub circles on her back, but he stayed quiet and just let her cry it out. When she was reduced to an emotionally spent ball of hiccups in his lap, he stood, lifting her, and carried her to the bedroom. Minutes later he had them tucked in together under the covers and he kissed her forehead. "Sleep, Sarah. I got you."

* * *

She woke up screaming, gasping for breath, with Holder shaking her shoulders. "Sarah. SARAH." he repeated, trapping her, pinning her. She and just stared at the outline of his face in the dark, gasping for breath.

"Jesus. You just took about 15 years off of my life." he muttered. "Are you ok?"

"Oh god." she choked. "I..." She felt totally out of control, unable to form words, unable to control her body as she started to shake uncontrollably.

His finger touched her lips and he wrapped her in his arms, pulling her tightly into him. "Just breathe." he murmured. "I got you. You're ok. You're good, Sarah. You're safe. Right here. I got you. Just Breathe." he kept repeating it, his arms tight bands around her, protecting her, shielding her, until slowly her heart rate went down and her breathing evened out.

"I'm sorry." she whispered when she could finally speak, her voice still unsteady and shaky.

"It's no thing. Just a dream. You're good. I got you."

"Just 15 years off your life." She tried for a joke but it fell a bit flat. "It... God...it's been a while since I've had that dream." she admitted haltingly.

"Tell me." Holder requested, rubbing a hand up and down her back, keeping her wrapped tightly in a protective embrace. "TELL ME." he repeated with a bit more force when she shook her head. "It might help."

"I've had it since that night. On and off. It's been a while though. I thought I was over it." God, she'd hoped so badly she was over it. Why now? Was it his way of making sure she was never happy, never allowed to be anything but alone? She didn't know, and the pain of it was visceral, physical.

"Tell me." he insisted again, his tone gentler, this time. "It'll help to talk about it."

"I'm... In Skinner's car... In the lake." She started, then paused and drew a breath. His hand on her back caressed, encouraging, comforting, and then the words burst out of her, staccato, sometimes halting, sometimes rushed. "I'm in the passenger seat, and I can't move - my hands are frozen. He's beside me, and all I can see is the bullet hole in his head. Blood is dripping slowly down his nose and he's just looking at me, with this smile..this..evil, satisfied smile. It's all your fault, Sarah. he says. He's whispering, his voice gloating, almost like he's celebrating. I killed them for you. You're the reason I did this. It was all you, Sarah. You loved me. And I hate him..and I hate myself for loving him, for trusting him, and I'm drowning and I can't move, can't make my arms work to claw my way out. The water's rushing in and the car is under water and I'm suffocating, and I can see your face through all of the water but you aren't coming. You can't come. And Skinner keeps talking. About it being my fault. How I did it. I caused it. how I was the reason for his downfall. And all of the times you'd saved me, this time you couldn't. And I'm drowning and drowning and even when I wake up I feel like I'm drowning, suffocating."

She was shaking uncontrollably, by the time she finished, and she was grateful for the strength of Holder's embrace. It might have been the only thing holding her together. She could feel tears, but couldn't stop the visceral reaction to repeating the dream out loud.

"Jesus." Holder breathed. "You were screaming my name."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

"Christ, Sarah. I don't care about that. S'you I'm worried about. I never thought of it at the time, that you'd end up suffering from PTSD. Should have noticed. Should have thought of it. I'm sorry."

"You did the best you could." she said softly. "I doubt it's PTSD. I just don't understand why it had to come back now. I'm HAPPY. I want to be HAPPY." She burst out desperately.

She felt Holder's fingers in her hair, massaging her scalp, and she closed her eyes and just focused on the pleasure of it for a minute. She startled a bit when he broke the silence. "You've spent the last five years separating yourself from it. The dreams would have gone away as it got further from your mind. But now, you're back here. Where it happened. And we talked about it tonight, bringing it all back to the front of your mind. At's all it is, Sarah. It'll get better. You'll get through it. I got your back."

"I just want to be happy. Here. With you. I don't want us to be haunted by the past. I thought... I thought that I would stay, and it would just work... that we'd be like before."

"We're better than before. Stronger. You will be happy. WE will be happy. Thing is, you haven't faced that past yet. Not really. You ran from it." She stiffened at his words and his fingers started working against her scalp again. "Chill, Sarah. I'm not criticizing. Just saying you did. And now, coming back, you have to face it head on and make peace with it. It's like addiction. You can run from it, avoid it, bury your head in the sand, but it's allllwayyys there. Lurking. Creeping back when you least expect it or want it to, just when you thought you'd kicked it for good. But if you face it head on, tell it to bring it on, and admit that it's in you, then you can start working through it, against it. You can move forward and heal." Listening to him she hadn't even realized he'd shifted them so that she was underneath him until he stopped talking and gently kissed her lips. She tried to kiss him back - welcoming the escape - but he pulled back ever so slightly and wouldn't let her. "You're gonna have bad days, my love. But I promise I'll always have your back. We'll get through them together. You aren't goin' at it alone anymore."

She huffed out a sigh - it couldn't be that easy. "Until you get tired of the bad days, right? Until happy joyous and free feels edgy and frustrated and trapped."

"Linden, I waited a long time for you to come back to me. I wasn't even sure you ever would. I missed you like you wouldn't believe. You're crazy if you think I ain't gonna hang on with both hands now that I've got you back." As if to demonstrate, he tightened his hold on her and drew her as tightly against him as he could, keeping her underneath him so that she was protected from all sides. "You and me, we're the real deal, and you're crazier than you think you are if you believe even for a minute that I'm not gonna hang onto it with both hands, even when it's hard. Now go back to sleep. I got you." He repeated his words from earlier, like a mantra, or a promise.

She couldn't fall asleep again, but she tried to pretend, to even out her breathing, so he wouldn't feel guilty falling asleep himself. She lay awake a long time after he nodded back off, grateful that even in sleep he kept her tight in the circle of his arms. The sound of his heartbeat soothed her, and she wished that it could be as easy, as simple as he made it sound. She breathed in his scent, closed her eyes, and focused on the sound of his heart. She didn't need to sleep, she just needed to cherish whatever time she was gifted with this man.


	7. Day 3 - The storm's wake

He was grateful that Thursday's let out early, as he headed home, in more of a hurry than he could ever remember being. He was exhausted, wiped even, after two nights of no sleep. And only one of them had been otherwise occupied with fun athletics and the joy of having Linden back. Last night... last night was just rough. He had only slept lightly, maybe even just dozed, the last half of the night, on guard for Sarah...whom he was pretty sure hadn't slept a wink the rest of the night. He was anxious to get home and make sure she was alright... and, if he was totally honest, still there. Typical Linden, always worryin' him, he thought with a wry smile.

He'd planned on stopping at the store to pick up all of the necessary cupcake supplies for Kalia's party, but decided instead that he preferred to lay eyes on Linden and make sure she was still in the right State. Plus, he was thinking a night on the town, out and about, might do her some good. So they could just hit the grocery store on the way home from that, instead.

Rather than wait for the elevator, he took the stairs two at a time to his floor. This apartment was bigger than his old one, but with Linden here now, he definitely wanted to get out of the apartment and into a house. A place for a family. When he got to the door he listened a minute, but all was quiet. He had been half hoping to hear her rattling around inside, but then he supposed that she wasn't exactly a noisy sort...well...except... Focus, Holder, he chided himself and stuck his key in the lock.

The apartment was as quiet on the inside as it was on the outside, but his eyes gravitated to her small form, asleep on the couch. She had tucked herself into a tight ball, her face pinched, holding all of her tension in even in sleep. Poor Linden. Living with that head of hers, her memories, her trauma, sure wasn't easy. From across the room, he felt helpless to help her and for the first time, doubted his adamant insistence that she could be happy, that they would be happy, and that him "having her back" could fix everything. He never wanted to let her down. He just watched her for a minute, trying to push the doubt aside. It had to be gone before she woke up, for sure, he thought. She needed his confidence, not doubt.

He stayed where he was another minute, and was just going to go change when she jerked in her sleep and let out a noise that was part sigh, part whimper. He changed course and strode over to kneel beside her, brushing stray strands of hair from her face and resting a hand on her shoulder, intending to sooth her. She recoiled at his touch and her eyes flew open, tinged with silent panic. "S'alright, Linden. Didn't mean to wake you."

She shook her head, a small, sharp shake as if she was clearing it. "I wasn't sleeping very well anyways." She admitted quietly. "When'd you get back?"

"Few minutes ago. What'd you do today?"

"Went for a really long run. Read one of your books." Her shoulder shrugged under his hand. "I've had a nasty headache all day." she admitted.

"Well, you got out, at least." He traced her jawline with the back of his fingers and then shifted. As he moved he tried to guide her gently to a half-seated position so he could sit and rest her head in his lap, but she sat all the way up instead, looking slightly uncomfortable and typically Linden. "Where's the headache?"

"My head." she rolled her eyes.

"Ever the literalist." he shook his head slightly, trying to not feel exasperated. "Here?" He touched a finger to her temple. "Here?" He moved his finger to just over her ear. "Or here?" He massaged two fingers into the back of her neck at the very base of her skull and was rewarded with a groan as she pressed back into his hand. "There, huh?" Was he good or what? He massaged deeper into her neck and smiled as she moaned and dropped her head, giving him full access for his ministrations. "Feels good, hmm?" He murmured against her ear a minute later, then moved to the base of her neck and her shoulders and enjoyed how she felt underneath his hands, how the tension melted from her body.

"Go back up." she mumbled a couple of minutes later. Who was he to argue? It was daylight, and she was wholly unguarded, and turning to putty under his hands. Plus, the appreciative little noises she was making were making his body...equally appreciative. Finally he stopped, slipped his arms around her and pulled her back against him, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head just because he could, just because he wanted to...Just because it felt right.

"Better?" He asked, his lips still in her hair. She smelled like coconut.

"Mmmhmmm." She leaned into him and rested against him. "Thank you."

"It's no thing." he turned his head to rub his cheek over the top of hers, thinking that he could just stay like this all evening. Except he hadn't hit the grocery store. So they had to go out. Right. He'd almost forgotten. He got up, bringing her with him easily. "C'mon, Linden. We got stuff to do tonight."

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

"Well, got a little girl who's got a birthday party on Saturday, with a specific request for strawberry lemonade cupcakes. So we gotta go out and buy us some shit to make em."

"Oh, so you're a baker now?" She raised one eyebrow at him, her lips twisted in a smirk that looked kind of more like disbelief. Ohhhhh, Linden, you wanna play that game?

"You know how we do. Anything for my princess. But since you're feeling all skeptical like, you can help me." He grinned, swatting her hip playfully. A light danced through her eyes in response and he considered himself well rewarded. "Before that, though, I'm gonna feed my woman. Bet it's been a while since you've had fresh, west coast seafood. C'mon." Before she had time to think, react, or try to argue with his plan, he grabbed her hand and tugged her out the door.

* * *

"Wow, Linden, you gonna pop? I've never seen you put that much food away in a week, never mind a day!" Holder chortled as Linden leaned back in her chair with a groan.

"I might. God, there actually is something I missed about Seattle." She was so full she literally felt like she was going to explode, but she almost wished she had more shrimp. It had been a fabulous meal, she'd missed fresh seafood without even realizing it...and Holder's constant discussions about his sister and nephews and Kalia, interspersed with random bits of information - apparently he still watched discovery channel - kept her preoccupied and entertained. And his face.. that face sitting across the table from her. She hadn't realized how dear it was to her until she'd left. Until she'd missed him. And sitting across from him again, looking at his face, his smiling eyes, and his goofy grin just made her so... happy, she guessed. She didn't really know what word described it...but whatever it was, it reached beyond the tendrils of fear that still lingered, somewhere beneath, and made her whole world feel bright and open.

"Shred my heart, why don'tcha, Linden. I'm chopped liver now?"

"You're a someONE, not a thing." She shot him what she hoped was a cheeky grin, then added "But you're welcome to just leave me here." She'd just sleep off round one and order round two.

"Not happening, Linden, you belong to me, not to the shrimp. If you're realllllyyy nice to me I might bring you back, though." he suggested, shooting her a lascivious wink.

"Is that how you pick up women?" she scoffed. "Shrimp and conditional promises?" Belonged to him? What the hell?

"Working, ain't it?" He grinned then pushed to his feet. "Come on, lets walk off some of this food before you explode." He swore he heard a sarcastic "charming" muttered under her breath, and he was thrilled to know he had managed to goad her a bit. He handed the waitress the bill and a wad of cash on the way out the door, waving her off when she tried to give him change. Then he slung an arm around Linden's neck and led her off down the pier. They strolled along the warf hand in hand, the sound of boats and water and people all melding together.

Holder kept up his steady commentary of inane chatter, and she was content to just listen to his voice wash over her as they walked. He talked about everything and nothing, which was good because she was too distracted by the feel of her hand tucked tightly in his to really register what exactly he is saying. Eventually he drew her to a stop, in a quiet area and gestured towards the view.

"Nothin' like it, Linden. Vast, powerful...more powerful than us."

Standing beside him, looking out across the sound, she felt almost as if the years were melting away. And beside her, solid as a rock, was Holder. Her rock. He always had been. The sound, the ocean, might be more powerful than her, but she felt like Holder was the only one who could keep her grounded, THE person she could be herself with, who would accept her at her worst. Holder was the most powerful thing to her, and for her. He had the power to break her, and the power to save her.

"Jack miss the water?"

She thought that probably Holder was the only person who could make Seattle safe for her, who could keep the dead away. His steadfast loyalty was more than she deserved, more than she ever thought she'd have.

"Linden?" He turned to look at her. "You hearing me?"

"Sorry... I just... I'm just...I'm so grateful. For you. I'm just so, so, SO grateful to have you in my life." She admitted, making direct eye contact with him. She still found it hard, to open up. But as scary as it was, it also felt very right. And seeing the joy on his face made her heart jump.

"Well, I love you TOO, Sarah Linden." His tone was goofy and emphatic, as if he was half joking, but she knew from the shine in his eyes that he meant it. She wondered if anyone had ever looked at her with that kind of love and devotion in their eyes. She blinked back the sudden wetness in hers as he pulled her into a tight hug and lifted her, her legs automatically wrapping around his waist, so that they were eye level with each other. He lifted a hand to brush a few stray hairs away from her eyes and brushed her lips gently with his before letting her down, ever so slowly.

"We should head back." She suggested, and her voice sounded breathy even to her.

"So soon? I think you need to work off more of that shrimp." he argued.

"I can think of more effective ways to work it off than walking." She quipped, sliding her hand into the far back pocket of his jeans. And oh, she could tell that he liked the suggestion because he shot her a wide grin.

"You dialin', tonight, 1-900?" his hand grazed down her back and then slung casually around her waist.

"You answering?"

"Might be. But first, we gotta hit the grocery store."

* * *

He'd intended to make short work of the grocery store stop, but it ended up taking longer than he'd planned as he educated on her on the importance of selecting the right flour for non-gluten-free non-vegan cupcakes. Not that he knew a damned thing about that shit, flour was flour as far as he was concerned, but he'd make shit up all night if it kept her relaxed and laughing with that soft look in her eyes and the past the furthest thing from her mind.

"Where do you GET this stuff?" She finally asked him on a breath of disbelief when he let her get a word in edgewise. He bounced on his heels a bit and grinned down at her. He was sure he looked like a kid who'd just been handed a prize, but laughing, joking, teasing Linden was one hell of a prize, to him. She stepped sideways and bumped her shoulder into his side. "I mean, seriously, Holder. How do you know so much about temple-violating gluten?"

"Hey, gotta keep tabs on your enemy, y'Know?"

"MMhm." She laughed again, looking up at him, and he used his body to guide her path around the corner so she wouldn't run into anything. This was awesome, teasing and distracting Linden in a grocery store. He definitely had to add it to his list of favorite things. (It was starting to be a really long list, and 95% of it featured Linden. And if he was being totally honest, probably a good 50% of that 95% featured Linden without clothes).

"Holy Shit. Sarah Linden." Another voice broke in as they rounded the corner and he felt the laughter drain from her body. He looked up and there was Reddick, staring at Linden like she was a ghost. He glanced at her and saw a similar expression on her face. Shit. There went all of his evening's hard work, taking her mind off the past. Suddenly he wished he'd have thought this through better. He felt like she was going to step back, so he reached out and placed a hand on her back, just at the base of her shoulder blades. He was glad that she felt slightly uncomfortable under his hand, but not outright tense.

"Carl." She greeted back.

"Thought you were long gone."

"I was."

"And now she's back. Great, ain't it?" Holder broke in, gently wiggling his fingers on her back so she remembered that he had her. He was well aware that Reddick noticed his hand placement when Reddick shot him a "I knew it" smirk. Bastard. He moved to go around Reddick and keep going, not caring if it was rude, when Reddick cut off his escape.

"Where you working, these days?"

He felt her take a shallow breath, and tried to will her not to panic through his touch. "Hey, give the woman some breathing room, Carl. She only just got back, right?"

Reddick shot him a look. "Well, we have an opening at Seattle PD. You should come in."

"I'm not going back." She stated immediately.

"Think about it. We could really use you. Homicide is full of a bunch of egomaniac yahoos right now. Need someone with a conscience to ride herd over them."

"I'm not working Homicide again."

Enough was enough. Linden's tension was ratcheting up and he was soooo not ending this night with all of his hard, relax-Linden work undone. Woman needed to sleep tonight, dammit. "Hey, listen, Reddick. Nice seein' ya, but we got places to be so we better get going."

"Offer's open, Linden. If you change your mind, come see me." Then, he kind of looked sideways at both of them and then caught Holder's eye and half smirked. "You know...I always knew there was something." His eyes gestured bewteen the two.

"You want me to punch you again?" Holder phrased his warning as a question, steering them around Reddick and away. He left his hand on her back and started in again, about baking soda this time.

"Wait, are there even different kinds?"

"Well, if there are..."

"You're SO weird." She rolled her eyes, and then he had her laughing again, thank god.

* * *

"What did Reddick mean?" She asked him later, as they were unpacking groceries, all domestic like. "About knowing there was something."

"Ohhh, who knows. You know Carl, always shootin' his mouth."

"No, he meant something. And you know what or you wouldn't be redirecting. What is it, Holder?" Shit... Well, it served him right for not stopping at the grocery store right after work, he supposed.

"Ahhhh... Well, just before you came back to the PD for the Pied Piper case, he may have suggested that the reason I disagreed with him about you bein' a bad first partner for me was because of the extra curricular activities I got to enjoy with you on the car."

"WHAT?!"

"Hey! I told him that that wasn't how it was! I told him the only extra-curricular activity we had goin' on with that car was you kickin' me out of it and drivin' off!"

He watched as Sarah leaned back slightly, digesting his words. It took her a minute. "I did not!"

"Yea, Y'did."

"Hardly ever." She disagreed.

"ALL. THE. TIME. Linden. You made an Olympic sport outta kickin' me outta that car, at first."

"I... well... you were..." she kept changing her words, and then she sighed. "I was actually really a bitch, wasn't I?"

"Well, I just kept pickin' at ya. Probably didn't help."

"Probably not." She agreed. "Why did you?"

""Cause. You were an enigma. All zen with the crime scenes and smart and intuitive... Not to mention incredibly fucking hot, even in those ugly assed sweaters you wore.. and you were this puzzle that made no sense. Sonoma, no Sonoma, missing flights, Jack...Someone with a whole life to go to - and I envied you that - but someone who never actually seemed to be willing to GO to that life... I wanted to know what made you tick, what made you that way, what you were running from. And I had to work so hard to get you to give up even little bits of information that it was all a reward. The more mysterious you tried to be-"

"-I wasn't being mysterious!" she protested, cutting him off.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reclusive, then. The more you hid - Don't deny it Linden- the more rewarding it was to get a new piece to the Linden-Puzzle. Plus, getting half a smile outta you was amazing." He grinned at her narrowed gaze, then offered her something real. "Seriously, though. I dunno... I just... saw something. An animal I recognized, maybe. I wanted to know you. And you treated me like a pain in your ass, but not a loser tweakhead. And you respected me even when you found out. And... I just did, Linden. And I'm glad I did. Cause here we are."

"Here we are." she agreed softly, wrapping her arms around his waist. He wrapped his around her and hugged her tightly to him. "I love you." She murmured softly into his chest. "I'm sorry I was such a bitch back then."

"Got us here, didn't it? And that makes every single time you kicked me outta that car worth it." he stated smugly, and was rewarded when her body shook with laughter, again.

They locked up together, and then spent the next hour celebrating her gratitude for him. She slept like a baby, wrapped in his arms, that night.


	8. Interludes

The Cupcakes looked and smelled like they were going to be a resounding success. They came out of the oven uniform, puffy, and smelling like lemon candy. Perfection, despite all of the flour on the floor, the counter, Linden's cheek, and her nose. Or maybe they were going to be a resounding success because of the flour on the floor, counter, and Linden's pert little nose. Either way, Holder was pretty sure he'd never enjoyed a night in the kitchen more. Sarah was relaxed and happy and totally chill, tonight. She was even playful - which had resulted in most of the flour dispersal throughout his kitchen and their bodies. Well, he may have contributed to a fair bit of it but he wasn't going to cop to it, for sure. He'd let Linden take the fall for the flour, and make damned sure she enjoyed the shit outta her punishment for being messy. As he pulled cupcakes out of the tins and moved them to the racks to cool, he contemplated what those punishments could be.

"So now what?" Linden asked, breaking him free from his fantasies.

"They cool, and in the morning we ice them." He reached forward and rubbed the flour off of her nose.

"That's it? We're done for tonight?" She narrowed one eye, as if annoyed. Or maybe assessing the situation. He wasn't really sure.

"Pretty much. Why, you not ready to be done?" He turned the oven off and grinned at her. He'd happily bake another batch if it made her happy.

"Ohhhh, I'm ready. C'mon" she said, grabbing his shirt and pushing him backwards towards the bedroom.

"What are you doing?" He raised an eyebrow, trying to stall his feet.

"Keep walking, Holder." Curious, he let her keep pushing him, stepping backwards carefully with her every forward step. He focussed on her hands, fisted in his shirt over his chest as she pushed him gently. They looked smaller in fists than they did sitting open in the palm of his own, he mused. And then they were in the bedroom and she was pushing him backwards onto the bed, pulling at his shirt as she straddled his body.

"Gonna have your wicked way with me, 900?" He worked her hair out of it's pony tail and then shifted to help her as she tugged his shirt over his head.

"Wouldn't you like to know." she muttered, and then she leaned down and kissed him, her hair fanning over his face.

"I don't need to know. I just need to experience it." He grinned, but it faded as her teeth hit a sensitive spot on his neck, making him groan instead. He tried to flip them so that she was underneath him and he could take control, but she squirmed out of his reach.

"Nuh uh." she admonished. "My turn."

"You think you make all the rules, don'tcha?" He scoffed at her, enjoying the responding flare in her eyes.

"Tonight I do." she threw a hint of warning in her tone, before sliding back over him and proceeding to torture him with her body until he begged.

Afterwards, they lay in a tangle of limbs, her still on top of him, splayed across his chest. He could feel her heart pounding against the base of his sternum and her head was tucked under his chin. He was just starting to drift off when she tried to move off of him. He tightened his arms around her and locked her against him. "No..." he insisted. "Stay like this."

"I'm cold." She mumbled.

"Stay like this." He repeated, then reached around him, down towards his feet, to find the blankets. Once he had them in his grasp, he pulled the blankets up and over both of them, so that Linden's back was fully covered. "Better?"

"Mmmmm."

"Sleep, Sarah. I love you."

* * *

The next morning when he woke up, they were still tangled up together with Sarah blanketed over him. God... it was his wildest dream come true, to wake up every morning with Sarah Linden in his bed. How did he ever get so lucky? He wasn't sure, but he sure wasn't going to waste it. She stirred slightly and he brushed the hair from her face and kissed her forehead. "Morning, Sleeping Beauty."

"Mmmmm..." she murmured. "Morning." She hunched herself up and burrowed in closer to him, making him smile. He brushed his hand over her head and tilted her head up so that he could kiss her. She ducked away. "Morning breath." she mumbled.

"Well that makes two of us, so we're even." He suggested, trying again.

"You have cupcakes to ice before Kalia's party." She argued, turning her face away again. "And I should wash the bedding."

"And then Kalia comes and stays until Tuesday and our extra curricular activities will have to grind to a HALT. So we should take advantage and make this morning count, y'know?"

He was rewarded when her body quivered as he traced a finger down her spine. "She's gotta sleep sometime." Linden suggested, and he chuckled.

"Yeah, well, she ain't gonna STAY asleep, the way you carry on."

"What?" Linden lifted herself up and stared at him with an expression of incredulity all over her face that made her look so bloody adorable he almost couldn't stand it.

"Yeah. Sarah Linden, you are NOISY."

"I am not!"

"Yeah, y'are." He disagreed. He was going to enjoy every minute of proving it to her, too. "But maybe if you practice bein' reeeeaaaallll quiet this time, we'll be able to enjoy ourselves a bit while Kalia's asleep."

"I'm not noisy." She continued to argue as he flipped her underneath him. Before she could stop him a third time, he used his mouth to cut off her protests and his hand trailed down her rib cage, making her shiver. For a girl who had always discouraged anyone touching her, she sure was responsive under his hands, and it fascinated him. He loved discovering all the ways he could ellicit reactions, playing her body like a finely tuned string instrument. The best word to to describe Sarah was sensual. And his. She was SO HIS. (She just maybe didn't one hundred percent know, or believe, that yet)

His mouth followed his fingers, until he was completely wrapped up in the feel of her body underneath his hands, his lips, and himself. It was, he thought, the best feeling in the world. Better than meth, and wasn't that an incredible thought. Holder let his thoughts go and just kept touching her, teasing her body until she was arching against him, until he had her writhing desperately underneath him.

"Holder...Please." She begged, the words coming out on a keening moan.

He stilled, and grinned at her. "See, toldja you're noisy."

"You're doing it on purpose. Please. I can't." She gasped as his fingers teased her breast and let out another high, keening sound as his mouth followed it.

"In a minute, Linden." He rasped against her skin. "You just work on bein' real quiet."

"Payback's a bitch." she warned breathlessly, and he couldn't help himself. He burst out laughing.

"Ah, Sarah, I'll love every minute of it." His chest shook with laughter as he moved and positioned himself. His hand trailed down to rest on her hip a minute and he marvelled again at how small and fragile she felt underneath him. He knew she wasn't fragile, though - no, his Sarah was strong.

"C'mon, Holder. Please. I can't."

"You're so small. Sometimes I'm almost scared to hurt you." He voiced the though out loud, then trailed a finger down her chest, leaving her quivering in his wake.

"You won't. PLEASE."

"Alright, Alright. Wouldn't want you to have to beg already." He teased, then captured her mouth with his and slid home. Then, he was too wrapped up in them to think or tease at all.

* * *

"Well, you weren't quiet." he commented, pinching her hip gently. Her body was still trembling against his, and he was feeling the same aftershocks.

"Your fault." she mumbled, without moving.

"You just can't resist this sexy slice of heaven." He drawled, cuddling her closer. He was rewarded when she let out a sharp bark of uninhibited laughter. She laughed. And she laughed. And she laughed. And he loved her all the more for it. But he wasn't gonna let her get away with it, no way. "Alright, Woman, I was bein' serious, not funny!"

"You're...Omigod." she kept laughing. She was still laughing when he pushed himself out of bed, picked her up, and packed her to the shower. Which was cold when he first shoved her into it. She let out an involuntary shriek, tears of mirth making her eyes shine like diamonds, but he just grinned at her and joined her. If she was cold, he'd just have to warm her up. Bonus.

"Regi called. Invited us out on the water this weekend. I was thinking I'd go today." She commented as they finished packing up the cupcakes.

"What? No way, Linden. We got a party to go to."

"It's probably a better idea if I don't go to that." she suggested, then headed to the laundry room to pull the last load of sheets out of the dryer. "And maybe...I dunno... maybe it would be better if I stayed with Regi or got a hotel room for the weekend. Come back when Kalia goes back to Caroline's."

His heart stopped, and all he could see in his mind was Sarah, the Sarah he only just got back, with one foot already out the door. "No." He shot out sharply. "No."

"Holder." She stilled. "It's not a good idea."

"You still think you get to make all the rules, don't you?" He kept his tone mild despite the annoyance he was feeling. Why'd she have to make the simplest things complicated? "Well, newsflash, Linden. You don't. This here's an equal partnership, you and me. You don't get to be the boss anymore."

"Does Caroline even know I'm here?" She spun around and asked him. "Do you introduce your daughter to all of your girlfriends within days of getting together?"

"Hasn't been any girlfriends. And I've known you longer than I've known Caroline. It's different." He watched her as she processed what he was saying, her face pale, eyes reflecting true worry. It drained some of his annoyance with her. He knew her head didn't make this stuff easy for her. He stepped closer to her, framing her shoulders in his hands, needing to touch her, to reassure her. "I love you. I want you there. I want you to meet my little girl. To be a part of our lives. We're going to be a family. It's that simple, Linden. Don't go makin' it all complicated n' shit."

"I just... I don't... You... Your relationship with Kalia is important. I don't...want to mess things up for you."

He gave her the smallest smile, let out a small breath. "You won't. It's gonna be ok." He ran his hands up and down her arms, and then pulled her into a hug. "Look...I know it's been a crazy few days and it's all overwhelming. It is for me, too, having you back. And I want everything, and I want it all now, and I want to hold on with both hands so that you don't disappear on me. I know it's scary. If you're not comfortable coming to the party, you don't have to. But you're not stayin' at Regi's or gettin' no hotel. This is your home, now. And you know where the light switches are here."

After seconds, or maybe minutes, of silence - he didn't know but it felt like hours - he felt her take a shaky breath, and then she nodded against his chest. "Ok. But can you at least call Caroline and warn her?"

"Can do." He agreed. "Meantime, you phone Regi and see if she has room for three, tomorrow. Maybe we can all go."

* * *

"That sounds great, Sarah. I'd love to take the three of you out tomorrow. How about 1? I'll see you then. Yes, I have enough life vests for everyone." Regi smiled as she disconnected the call. Sarah sounded good, she thought. Relaxed. And she was glad to take Holder and his daughter out with them too, so she could see with her own eyes how they were together. How Sarah was with him. How he was with Sarah. She couldn't help but worry, she still remembered clear as yesterday, the scared, lost little 5 year old they'd found... and the distant, self-insulating teenager, and then adult, that she'd turned into.

Not much unlike the waif of a girl currently pounding on her door, she thought as she stepped off the dock and onto her boat.

"You hit that door any harder, it's going to come off its hinges." She commented as she stepped up behind the girl. "What're you doing here, Alice?"

At the sound of her voice, the girl wheeled around and stepped backwards until she was pressed against the door. 30 years of dealing with foster kids as a social worker before she stepped into a managing position gave Regi enough insight to take a step backwards and give the girl more space. Although, really, the tension radiating off of her would have been warning enough.

"How do I get my sister back?"

"Alice..."

"I'm going to be eighteen in a few months. How do I get my sister back." She demanded this time, instead of questioning.

"You'll need to be able to provide a suitable home for her. A stable environment. Appropriate living arrangements, a job that will support both of you. It's not going to happen the instant you turn 18. Running off and not coming home at night isn't going to help you make a case for that anytime soon, either."

"What?" She watched as Alice's eyes narrowed in confusion.

"Mary called me a couple of hours ago. Said Geraldine called her and said you never came back last night. Reported you as a runaway."

"They locked me out." She said, then shook her head sharply. "Forget it. I don't know why I thought you'd actually help." She turned and bolted past Regi, running down the docks, her gait more unlevel than it probably should be, eight months later.

"Alice, Wait." Regi called after her, but it was too late - as fast as she'd been here, the girl was gone. "Well shit." she muttered to herself, letting herself into the boat and dropping her groceries below in the kitchen. This was going to take some sorting out.


	9. Integrating

"Well, little lady, did you enjoy your party?" Holder asked Kalia as she skipped ahead of them into the apartment.

"It was the BEST!" the girl exclaimed, bouncing. He grinned at her, then put down the bags of gifts he was carrying and then turned to relieve Sarah of the bags and extra cupcakes she was carrying. Once everything was out of their arms and on the floor or counter, he wrapped his arms around her and cuddled her close, rocking gently. "Thank you for coming." He murmurred in her ear. "I'm glad you were there."

"Caroline wasn't very happy." She commented.

He sighed, and tightened his arms around her briefly. He'd overheard Caroline's comment to Sarah, and he hadn't been impressed but didn't want to draw attention to it. He made a mental note to set her straight soon. "Well she'll just have to get over it. She's got Derek, I've got you. And she don't know shit about us, so don't you worry about her runnin' off about us bein' bad for each other. That's over with, and we're good, yano?"

"I trust you, Holder. I just..." She shrugged, and he knew she was at a loss for words. He tucked a few stray hairs behind her ears, caressing her cheek as he went, and kissed her forehead. "You're my best friend." She murmurred, lifting her lips to his.

"And you're mine." He said against her lips, then kissed her lightly before hugging her close again, letting her go only when Kalia came racing out of her room and back up to them.

"Let's watch a movie, daddy." Kalia requested, bouncing. Where the kid got her energy, he didn't know because at this point he was exhausted from the day's activities. At least a movie didn't require energy.

"Go pick one, then." he agreed, and she scampered over to his collection hollering "Beauty and the Beast!" as she went.

"Nahhhhhh, something different, Princess. Linden, she don't much like Beauty and the Beast."

"Don't pin that on me." Sarah turned to him with one narrowed eye as Kalia skidded to a halt and spun around.

"You don't?" his daughter asked her, her voice tinged with layers of shock and horror that only a child could exhibit with endearment.

"Love it." She assured Kalia, whose face lit up and she skipped the rest of the way to the movie shelf.

"See, daddy! Your'e wrong. Sarah wants to watch it too!" Holder groaned. So much for that out. He should have figured that girls would stick together and he'd be outnumbered. He hadn't thought of THAT when he asked Sarah to stay...not that it would have changed anything, of course.

"Now you're in for it." He muttered, snaking an arm around her back to pull her close and kissing the tip of her nose. "Have you even SEEN Beauty and the Beast?" He asked down at her.

"I had a boy." she pointed out, then shot him a sly grin. "I'm going to LOVE watching you sit through princess movies."

"Evil, 1-900. Truly evil."

He was cheated out of her response when Kalia flew between them and shoved the movie at him. "Put it on, Daddy!" she said, grabbing Sarah's hand and dragging her to the couch.

"Yeah, start the movie, Holder." Sarah shot at him playfully, letting his daughter lead her.

Bossy, bossy, he thought, making quick work of starting the dvd and turning to join them on the couch. He stopped short, though, when he caught sight of them. Kalia was scrambling up and into Sarah's lap, snuggling in against her without any pretence. Linden looked uncomfortable, he thought, but her arms came up around the little girl anyways, cuddling her close. This was family, he thought. Home. He could actually have this. His heart swelled and his eyes blurred, making him blink at the sudden wetness. Sarah looked up then, and her expression worried slightly as she saw his face, which made him wonder if he didn't look rather maudlin. Get it together, Holder. Keep it light. Make a joke.

"Come sit, Daddy!" Kalia demanded then, giving him an opening.

"Bossy, Bossy, bossy." He teased. "How did I get saddled with you two bossy little bits?"

"I'm not bossy!" Sarah protested.

"I'm not bossy too!" Kalia stated, mimicking Sarah's tone almost perfectly.

"Oh yes you both are!" he exclaimed. "Start the movie. Sit here. Go there. You're the bossiest two women I've ever met!" He'd been moving steadily towards the couch and now he launched himself at both of them, tickling. He knew for a fact he surprised the hell out of Sarah, but Kalia expected it, shrieking even before his fingers connected. It took Linden another minute to react, as she let out a startled laugh, and twisted, pretending to shield his daughter from the onslaught of his tickle attack. Alright by him, because tickling Sarah Linden into submission had long been a fantasy of his and the reality was one hundred times better. Truth was, he had a lot of fantasies about Sarah Linden and it was gonna take the rest of his life for him to live them. And he would. With pleasure.

He ceased and desisted once both of them had cried uncle and there were tears of laughter shining in Sarah's dancing eyes. Then, he leaned over them a minute, just watching them. "You are both gifts. The best gifts I've ever received." he murmurred, cradling Sarah's face in his hands and placing a soft kiss on her lips before ducking down to plant one on each of Kalia's cheeks as he smoothed her hair back.

Then, as Kalia snuggled back in against Sarah, he lowered himself to the couch beside them and slung an arm across her shoulders, pulling both of his girls close. Right here, right now he felt like the luckiest son-of-a-bitch in the world.

* * *

"Sing with me and Belle, Sarah!" Kalia demanded a short time later, as Belle walked and sang. He shifted, turning towards them, intent on helping his daughter josh her into singing, highly entertained by the idea, when he noticed the colour slowly drain from her face, her eyes distant.

"Hey." he whispered, leaning close to her ear. She started a bit and shot him a panic-tinged look.

"Sarah, sing!" Kalia demanded again.

"I...I don't sing." she shook her head. As Kalia opened her mouth to persist, he decided to save her.

"Not tonight, K-Goddess. Sarah doesn't know the songs yet. I'll teach her for another night ok?"

Kalia scrunched up her face, oblivious to the tension now coursing through Linden's body. Finally she conceded. "Ok. Next time."

"Maybe." Holder hedged, then squeezed Linden's shoulder. "What is it?" He whispered in her ear as his daughter settled back in against her to sing along with the movie.

"Nothing." she shook her head.

He knew it wasn't nothing, but also knew not to push. "Whatever it is, Linden, I got you." He pulled her, and Kalia with her, closer, until her head was pillowed on his chest. "I got you." He repeated.

"Thank you." she murmurred, turning her face to drop a kiss over his heart, as she slowly against him again.

* * *

When the movie credits were rolling, Kalia was sound asleep on Sarah's lap and she was half-asleep herself, soft and warm against him. He carefully distentangled himself from them and then bent down to take his daughter from Sarah, who blinked at him a couple of times. "Go on to bed." he whispered. "I'll put her to bed and lock up."

He tucked Kalia into her own bed - the little girl slept like the dead and didn't even stir when he pulled the covers up over her and kissed her forehead - then quickly checked the door and shut all of the lights. Sarah was curled up on her side, watching him through half-lidded eyes as he stripped down to his boxers and t-shirt and slid under the covers with her. He looked at her a long moment in the dim light of the bedside lamp, trying to find the words to express what was in his heart. While he searched, he reached out, brushed her hair away from her face, and cupped her cheek. Finally, he settled for simple words, because the ones he wanted just wouldn't quite come out.

"Thank you." He whispered softly. "For coming today. I know it was hard for you. Uncomfortable. Scary. But I'm glad you came."

"I wanted to. For you."

He smiled at that, caressed her face, then leaned in to kiss her - long and deep and soft - before tucking her in against him, running his fingers through all of her soft, amazing hair as she drifted off to sleep. He was beat, but he didn't sleep right away, content to enjoy the feel of her, sleeping - for real sleeping - beside him while he processed all of the things he was feeling about the day. He was finally starting to drift off himself when his phone beeped on the bedside table beside him. Careful not to disturb Sarah, he reached over and fumbled around until his fingers settled around the phone. It was a text from Jack.

 _Is Mom ok? She hasn't answered her phone or texts all night._

He frowned at it. He hadn't noticed Sarah's phone go off during the movie, which made him wonder where it was. Maybe in her jacket pocket? He couldn't get up without risking waking her, so he did the next best thing, dialing Jack's number.

"Holder?"

"Your mom's good, lil' man." he spoke softly. "Sleepin' right here beside me." He filled Jack in about their day - Kalia's party and the movie.

"Mom watched Disney?" Jack chuckled. "Maybe she enjoyed that. She used to have to watch Power Rangers with me. I made her watch it over and over and over again."

That visual made a lot of sense to Holder, at the same time as making him grin down at her sleeping form. "I'd have loved to see that." he chuckled.

"Oh, and then I'd make her re-act them with me. She was red. I was green."

"Of course she was red." Her hair, y'know. He had to reign in any real laughter, keeping it down to a dull chuckle. Jack laughed on the other end of the phone. "Your mom, she really loves you, y'know? She really did try her best, with you. Don't forget that."

"I know. And I love her, and I'm worried about her."

"She's good, Jack. Promise. Think maybe she forgot her phone in her jacket tonight when we got back from the park. We'll find it in the morning and she'll call you. Regi's taking us out on the water in the afternoon."

"Can I come visit next time I'm off school? See her for myself?"

"You are welcome here anytime. ANYTIME. Book your flight for the Friday, Saturday, Thursday, tomorrow, move in and never leave - whatever works for you. Let me know. We'll surprise your ma, hmmm?"

"Mom hates surprises." Jack laughed.

"She'll love this one." And she would, he knew. No obligation on her, just her son here and their family complete.

"Well, I'm telling her it was your idea if she's mad."

"Sellin' me out! You're killin' me here!" Holder whispered dramatically, running a soothing hand over Sarah's shoulder as she stirred beside him before settling back into sleep. "It'll be good, Lil' man. Can't wait to have you here. Your mom'll call you in the morning, alright?"

"Okay. Holder? It's just..." Jack paused. "I don't want to lose her again, y'know?"

He knew that Jack meant more than just her physically leaving. "I know. You won't. I'm not gonna tell you not to worry cause I think you're just like her and will worry anyways. But I promise...Ain't nobody gonna lose your ma that way ever again."

He was almost asleep...again...when his phone beeped, AGAIN.

 _Our next break is six weeks away. Can I come sooner? For a weekend?_

He quickly keyed in a response. _Book your flight. Let me know when to pick you up. Send me the bill. Don't neglect your studies. BE GOOD._ There, that sounded "dad" enough for for a college kid, right? He got a thumbs up back from Jack, and then tossed his phone back on the nightstand. He drifted off for a third time, with the the other half of his soul in his arms, and peace in his heart. Nothing would disturb his rest tonight.


	10. Rising Tides

He bolted awake at the sound of his name wailed in shrill alarm. It felt like adrenaline injected straight into his heart. Sarah was stiff as a board beside him, her face contorted in terror as she called for him, desperation and fear mingling. Reaching down, he took her by the shoulders, and shook her gently.

"Hey, wake up, Linden. It's just a dream. Wake up."

She cried out again as her eyes flew open. A look of absolute panic stared back at him through a sheen of tears.

"You're ok." He took her face in both her hands and stared into her eyes until he saw recognition in them. Then, he wrapped his arms around her and tucked her tightly against him, running his hands over her shoulders, through her hair, touching her and caressing her and doing anything he could think of to soothe her. "I got you."

"Daddy?"

He felt Sarah stop breathing as Kalia's voice drifted in from the doorway.

"It's alright, Princess. Sarah just had a bad dream is all. Go back to bed."

Kalia's voice drifted closer. "Was it monsters? Monsters can't get you here, Sarah. Daddy keeps them away. He's the best monster-chaser-awayer ever," she stated with the confidence of a four year old who thinks her dad walks on water. While he was proud as punch about that, he also needed his child to go back to sleep. Shit, he needed an instruction manual for situations like this.

"I'll keep them away. Go back to bed, sweet pea," he suggested again, hoping that this time the little girl would listen and obey. Sarah was still as a statue, barely breathing, and he desperately didn't want to leave her even long enough to put his daughter back to bed. Not when her tears were soaking his shirt where her face was pressed. He could count on three fingers the number of times he'd seen Linden cry, and he didn't like it one bit. She'd hate this weakness. And she'd been alone with these memories enough, now.

"I'll help," Kalia said instead, crawling up on the bed. Next thing he knew she was climbing over them and cuddling up on him, and he had to tighten his hold on Sarah to stop her from shrinking away from the little girl. He was helpless to resist the pull of either of his women, so he tucked his daughter in against his side and kept rubbing soothing circles on Sarah's back.

"Go to sleep, then, Kalia," he insisted, and was grateful that the little girl yawned and snuggled closer without continuing to talk.

By the time Sarah's breathing had leveled off and her body started to relax, his daughter was asleep. "You ok?" he murmured softly, turning his face into her hair.

Sarah half shook her head, half offered a jerky nod towards Kalia.

"Sleeping."

"He wanted me to sing," she volunteered, her voice still shaky and full of nerves. "He'd told me, that morning...before Adrian disappeared...before we knew...he'd talked about how I used to sing...when we were partners. In my dream, he told me to sing. Insisted I sing. We were in the car in the lake, drowning, and blood was dripping down his face and he was telling me to sing, demanding I sing, saying that I was going to sing us to our death, just like I sang in his mind while he was killing all of those girls. Oh god," she gasped, her voice raising and tinged with hysteria.

"Shhhh... don't wake Kalia. You're okay, Sarah. It's not your fault. What he did."

She nodded against his chest, and tried to burrow closer as if he could absorb her. He tightened his arms around her, wishing he could do more to help her. "That why you looked like a ghost bit you earlier tonight?"

"When she asked me to sing with her, all I could see was Skinner telling me how much it drove him nuts when I'd sing in the car...and how he missed it. And then..."

He could tell she was fighting to stay composed, her breath hitching as she struggled for words, and he thought fast. Aim for light. Make a joke, he thought. Come back to the serious after. "Dayam, girl. You never sang in the car with me. I feel like I missed out." He spoke softly, mindful of the sleeping child, but his words elicited the reaction he'd hoped for — a soft half laugh from her.

"That's what he said...when I said I didn't sing in the car anymore. 'Holder's missing out.'" She wasn't relaxed, but there was a wryness in her tone that relieved him. He chuckled, still letting his hand rub comforting circles across her back. "I didn't mean to...wake you. Or Kalia. I don't understand why singing is such a big deal," she admitted, and he could tell she was trying to hide it but her voice sounded broken to his ears.

"It was a trigger, is all. PTSD, Linden. Toldja. Whether you believe it or not, that's what it is. Stuff's gonna trigger it, stuff you don't expect. We'll get you through it." He ran his fingers through her hair, bent down, kissed the top of her head.

"I just...I don't want to burden you," she whispered.

"You ain't gonna get left, Linden. Not this time. No matter how many times you cry out in your sleep. And I ain't lettin' you leave, either." So don't get any ideas about leavin' in your head, he thought. He was selfish, and he wanted her.

Her body quivered against him as she took a shaky breath. "You deserve so much better than having to deal with this mess when you've finally got your life straightened out."

He shook his head, then looked down and carefully tilted her head up until their eyes met. "I fucked up my whole life, all by myself. And after that, all people saw was a worthless tweaker. But not you. You treated me like I was more than my past. Did I deserve that? Do I deserve you? I dunno. Maybe not. Maybe. But you definitely deserve a home, and a place where you're accepted for who you are, flaws and all. Just like you accepted me," he paused, tilted her chin up gently until she was looking at him, and smirked at her. "Eventually."

She offered him a small, crooked grin. "You were kind of someone I couldn't get rid of at first."

"But then you just kept missin' those flights to Sonoma. Cause even though you wouldn't admit it, you kinda wanted a piece of this transcendent being." He grinned when his words elicited a small snort from her.

"Keep dreaming, Holder." She let out a small laugh, then sobered. "I think the first time —" she paused, took a breath — "the very first time I really truly appreciated you was when Jack went missing. And you were all in, even though I had done nothing to earn that kind of loyalty. And then when you got me out of the psych ward...and Rick...just left...you were there." She took a deep breath, held it, then exhaled slowly, her breath puffing against his neck. "I...I never thanked you for that."

"Sonoma didn't appreciate what he had. If he did, he never would have left you there, like that."

"That's what people do. Leave." Her comment was matter of fact, as if it was no consequence. And maybe it wasn't, now, but he knew it had hurt her badly, then. "But you…" she trailed off, and he waited. "Didn't. You always stayed."

"Always," he stated firmly, squeezing her gently. "You know how we do." He'd even do his level best to make sure that she got to die first so that she never had to be alone again.

"Holder..."

"You're goddamned everything to me, you know that? And I love that you're letting me in, now, looking for ME when you need help, or saving. Makes me feel like the most important person in the world."

"You...To me, you are," she admitted softly. "You and Jack. You're my best things. I really want this to work."

"It will," he told her, hoping to reassure her. She was so strong, acted so damned tough, sometimes she fooled him into thinking she didn't need nobody. Knowing that she needed him made him feel like he had something to offer her. A purpose. "For me, this, right here, you and my little girl in my arms in this bed...it's everything I wanted. More'n I ever thought I'd have." He leaned down to capture her lips and kissed her, long and slow and deep with as much tenderness as he felt for her. Eventually he broke away and trailed kisses over her face, her forehead, her jaw line, before returning to her lips, drinking her essence, offering her his. It had to stay chaste, because of the little girl cuddled up against them, but he still offered all of himself to the kiss. A powerful emotion that he'd never felt before and couldn't quite identify surged through him.

When he broke away and looked deep into Sarah's eyes in the shadows of the dark room, he saw something that made him think that maybe, it was the same for her. She reached up with one hand and traced his jaw before cupping his cheek, and he leaned into her touch, welcoming it. She left her hand there when she rested her head back over his heart with a sigh and a yawn. They both stayed quiet, and her breathing started to slow as if she was drifting back to sleep.

"I just...I don't want to live with it for the rest of my life. The nightmares, and the memories," she admitted softly, just as he thought she was finally giving in to sleep. "And I don't want you to have to live with them forever, either."

"Do you remember standing between us, and Pastor Mike, that day on the bridge? He wouldn't take his hands out of his pockets, and you were shielding him, not getting out of the way, telling us he didn't have a gun. Do you remember that?"

"Yeah." Her voice hitched slightly, ending on a higher pitched inflection.

"Do you remember what you said to him?" He waited a minute, but when she didn't answer, he continued. "It was something along the lines of, if these men shoot you, they'll carry it their whole lives. Do you remember?"

She nodded against him.

"So why do you think you'd be any different? Why do you expect you wouldn't carry everything that happened?"

"I...I don't know," she admitted.

"We share that, you and I. It WILL get better. But it's always gonna be there, somewhere. You can move forward, and you have moved forward...but you can't expect to be truly free of it. And that's ok. And when it's bad, we'll talk it out. You won't have to hide it or hold it in, and that'll help you heal."

She didn't answer for a long while, and he wondered what she was thinking. Wondered if he was saying any of the right things, hoping that he was, but really not sure. When he wasn't sure of his footing he usually made jokes, but this was Linden and it was her pain and he didn't want to risk trivializing it with a joke. He was at a complete loss as to what to say.

She ended up speaking up first, saving him, this time, but her words were halting and unsure, maybe even a bit drowsy. "I'm...not used to talking about...stuff...this much. Or hardly at all. I...I don't really know how."

"I know. That's what makes it so special that you're trying. I love talking to you like this. When you're Sarah...Just Sarah." HIS Sarah, he thought as he ran his hand through her hair, across her cheek, and then down her back. The more they talked, the more he felt her body relax, and he thought that maybe, maybe it was doing some good afterall. "And you know what else?"

"What's that?" she finally asked, a minute or so later, when it was clear that he wasn't going to continue until she engaged.

"I think Just Sarah is starting to fall asleep, but trying not to," he whispered, keeping his tone slightly joking and pert.

"Har har." She offered him her little scoffing laugh, the one that said he was right but she didn't want him to know it.

He tipped his chin down, kissed the top of her head, and smiled into her hair. "Let go. Sleep. I got your back."

And, miracle of all miracles, she did.

* * *

He woke up the next morning when Kalia squirmed against him and her little fist stabbed him in the ribs. "Morning, Daddy." She grinned, bouncing.

"Shhhh, let Sarah sleep." He chided her gently, then gave her a soft poke in the stomach. "You can go watch cartoons, if you want."

"Ok!" Kalia chirped and was off the bed and out of the room like a shot. Perfect. He relaxed back into the mattress and closed his eyes, enjoying the weight of Sarah's body pressed against him, her head pillowed on his chest. He'd lain awake a long time after she'd fallen asleep again; tired, nodding off sometimes, but pushing himself to watch over her for a while, just in case. It wasn't no hardship, for sure. Part of him still worried she had one foot half out the door, or ready to get there if she felt the need. And part of him was just so awed, amazed...and honored, that was the right word...that instead of pushing him away, instead of cutting out, like the old Linden woulda done...she was really trying. Open. Trusting him enough to be vulnerable to him, with him. To share the worst parts of herself, even if it scared her to do it. Trusting him enough to sleep again, tangled up with him, letting him watch over her instead of always feeling like she needed to watch over herself. Heavy stuff, for him, and scary, because he wasn't sure he could be worthy of it, but it was amazing, too.

He was still pondering, and enjoying the feel of her in his arms, her back flat and strong under his hand as he traced circles down her spine, when she started to stir. Watching her wake up could become another of his favorite things, easy.

"I slept again," she mumbled, burrowing closer to him. He liked this, the Sarah who tried to get closer as she woke, instead of trying to draw away, like he still half expected her to.

"You certainly did," he agreed.

"I never sleep again, after the nightmares..."

"Am I good, or what?" he cheered.

She pulled away, and he cursed himself. He was never sure what the wrong thing to say would be, with her...what would pull her in and what would push her back. Then, with her hand splayed on his shoulder and forearm resting on his chest, she leaned over and look at him with narrowed eyes. "Do you have to sound all smug and self-satisfied?"

"Awww, c'mon..." he started, but then he caught a gleam in her eye that she was trying to hide. Little witch was playin' him. Ha! In one smooth move he flipped them so that she was underneath him, pinned, and he grinned down at her. "Admit it, Linden. I'm the best damned thing that ever happened to ya."

"Get real, Holder," she scoffed, rolling her eyes — but he knew...oh, he knew she was fakin'.

"You know how real I am," he drawled suggestively, running a finger from her shoulder, down her ribcage, enjoying the feel of the goosebumps he was leaving in his wake before dropping a kiss on her nose and checking the time. He smacked her gently on the hip as he forced himself to roll off of her and out of bed. "C'mon. We gotta get rollin'. I gotta feed my women and you gotta call Jackie-boy before we go to Regi's."

"You're getting pretty bossy, Holder," he heard her call out after him as he headed into the bathroom.

"Gotta stay a step ahead of ya somehow, mamacita," he called back, and then laughed as he heard the dull thud of something hitting the bathroom door. God, he loved getting a rise out of her.

* * *

He'd timed everything perfectly. By the time she was done with her turn in the bathroom he'd found her phone (jacket pocket, like he'd suspected) and had it and a cup of coffee both ready to press into her hands. She got a good 45 minutes of catching up with Jack, he'd made his famous breakfast burritos (and Linden actually ATE one this time), and here they were, walking down the docks at 1 on the dot, Kalia skipping between the two of them.

He was still feeling pretty pleased with himself as they rolled away from the docks and out towards open water. Kalia was sitting up with Regi, asking a million questions about the boat and the water and where they were going. Regi in turn was pointing out different things on the boat and letting her pretend to steer. Sarah was leaning on the rail a little ways away, staring out at the water in front of them, a small half-smile on her face. Since Kalia was well occupied by Regi, and Regi didn't seem to mind, he wandered over to join Linden at the rail. Coming up behind her, he snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her back against him.

"Feels good out here, hmmmm?" he asked, his mouth against her ear, enjoying the feel of her softening deeper into him.

She tipped her head up and looked back at him, and he wished he could capture the look in her eyes, freeze it so that he could look at it forever. It was... well, he couldn't really describe it but it made him feel like he was single-handedly responsible for handing her the sun and stars. It was heady, and kind of terrifying, but it also made him feel twenty feet tall and bullet proof. Her lips quirked into a smile at him, her gaze locked with his. He reached out to tuck a stray piece of hair behind her ear and dropped a soft kiss on her lips, long and slow, capturing her bottom lip in his and holding it for a moment before letting go. She didn't move, still looking up at him, her expression soft and languid. Ohhhh, he loved her. He'd never really thought he could have this, never really thought he'd deserve something as amazing as Sarah Linden in his arms. He wasn't aware of her hand coming up until he felt her cup his cheek, rub her thumb across his jaw line. Her smile grew.

"Feels wonderful," she murmured as she hugged his arms tighter around her and looked back out towards the sea. He could tell she meant more than just being on the water. He smiled, kissed the top of her head, and looked over towards Kalia and Regi to find Regi watching them with a thoughtful smile. He bobbed his head forward at her in acknowledgement, then gazed out towards the sea as he swayed gently with his woman in his arms.

"Thank you," Sarah whispered a short time later. He tightened his arms around her in response. "For last night," she added. "For always being there."

He shook his head against the top of hers. "S'no thing, Linden."

He felt her body quiver as she took a deep breath, pausing, breathing, and speaking again. "For forgiving me."

"Nothing to forgive," he murmured, rubbing his cheek in her hair and relishing in the feel.

"You're my rock," she said softly, making him smile into her hair. "I wish I had realized it sooner. We've wasted so much time."

"Nah." he turned her in his arms, locked eyes with her. "Everything happens in the right time. I missed you something terrible, Linden. But I think we both needed to get to this place in our lives, y'know?" He waited until he felt her nod. "I'm so glad you came back." He smiled at her as she reached up onto her toes to kiss him. When she broke away, he shot her a cocky grin.

"'Course, I knew you would." He couldn't resist teasing her. "Just like I knew you'd miss me too."

"Oh yeah? How'd you know that?" She narrowed her eyes slightly, but there was a light in them. He liked this Linden, the one who teased back.

"What's not to miss?" He grinned. "Bet you thought about me every day."

"Yeah, you know, when I was driving and the only thing on the radio was self help talk shows," she said drily as she ducked away.

"Oh, you didn't," he chortled, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her back to him, eliciting a sharp bark of laughter out of her. "That's cold, Linden." He put on a pout, pretending to be hurt. Then he went for payback, sliding her hair elastic out as she laughed, struggling against him in jest and letting her legs collapse so that he had to hold her up. Her head was thrown back, hair flowing loose in the breeze, and he'd never seen anything more gorgeous in his life. He opened his mouth to tell her so, but he didn't know how, didn't know if it would scare her off. He couldn't risk losing her, losing this. So he shot her a cheeky grin instead. "Better apologize for hurtin' my feelings."

"I did not —" he cut her protest off with a kiss — hard and quick, before going back for a second, longer one. As he pulled away, she leaned into him, still laughing. He looked over top of her head and noticed Regi was still watching them, with a full on smile on her face. He thought maybe she approved, and the idea warmed him. With a hand resting on Sarah's shoulder, he turned his attention back to the open sea, and marvelled at the vastness of it, his heart full to bursting as Kalia darted over to them begging to see whales.

* * *

It was a beautiful day, and the park was filled with the sound of happy kids, running and playing, while their parents milled around, relaxed, visiting, keeping an eye on their broods. Sometimes, Alice wondered what it would have been like, growing up with parents like these. She wondered if Grace had felt as happy and safe as these kids, when she'd bring her to the park, even if she was there with her sister and not a mother.

She guessed she would find out soon — Mary and Grace should be her any time and then she'd have a whole hour to be with her sister. Finally. These meetings almost always got cancelled. But this one hadn't been.

She tapped her pen rhythmically against her textbook. She had come early, just in case they got here ahead of schedule, figuring she could study while she waited. But she couldn't focus, or relax.

The kids on the playground ran and screamed and slid, playing some weird game of tag. They were carefree, unconcerned about everything else going on in their surroundings. What it would be like to live in a world where you didn't panic everytime someone so much as glanced your way. To live in a world where you felt safe, cared for? To trust. To not know that you shouldn't trust.

She checked her watch again. They were twenty minutes late. She checked her phone, but there were no messages from Mary cancelling or letting her know they'd be late.

Still, she waited. She waited as parents slowly collected their children and headed home for supper. She waited until the park was almost empty, and then she finally had to accept that they weren't coming.

She didn't know why she had bothered to even hope. She blinked back the tears of anger and disappointment that were stinging her eyes, shoved her book back into her bag, and left.


	11. Swept Away

By the time they docked again, it was coming on 6 o'clock and he was starving. Sarah's hair was windswept — he'd refused to give her hair elastic back — Kalia was slowing down as she tired, and he felt fantastic. And now, they were sitting on the couch, Regi across from them, relaxing after some of the best chili he'd ever enjoyed. Kalia had fallen asleep on Sarah about a half hour ago — his little girl had taken to his best girl like a duck takes to water — and he'd just come back from carefully moving her below deck to sleep undisturbed.

He sat back down beside Sarah and slung his arm over her shoulders, relishing in the way she shifted subtly into him. "That was **good** chili, Regi," he drawled. "You gotta teach Linden, here, how to make it. It might not come up on the Food channel anytime soon."

"Excuse me?" Sarah pulled away slightly and turned towards him, her eyes narrowed. "I don't watch the Food channel!"

"Maybe ya should. And then I'll have the perfect housewife." His grin widened.

He was rewarded with a disbelieving snort. "I'm going to find a job, Holder. I'm not sitting at home and babysitting your ass and cooking vegan tofu for the rest of my life."

"Oh ho ho, you hear Linden's jokes, Regi?" He wrapped his arm around Sarah's neck, pulling her into his side and dropping a kiss on the side of her head as she laughed. She was unbelievably chill tonight and he relished it. He was grateful that the hints of shadows that he'd seen lurking in her eyes throughout the day seemed to have disappeared completely.

Regi just nodded at him through her own laughter, leaning back in her chair. "You both look happy. It's good to see you happy, Sarah."

"It's good to be happy," she admitted, leaning into him a bit. "I just need to find a job, or I'll be bored out of my mind."

"You'll find something, Linden," he said easily. "Just gotta think of something that you feel will be rewarding. Like, running NA, it's something I relate to — something I can do and make a difference in the world."

She pulled back a bit and shot him a look, her eyebrows lifted halfway to her hairline. He read about three different expressions of annoyance in her eyes, before she huffed a sigh. "What makes a difference, nowadays, though," she mused. "Minimum wage on a ferry is at least uncomplicated. But actually...I've been thinking...maybe...social work." She looked towards Regi, as if seeking approval. He shifted to look at her, surprised that she'd mention social work. It was such a political system, and Linden wasn't exactly a huge fan of people or politics — but he could tell that it wasn't a thought that just crossed her mind now. Maybe not that surprising, actually. She would definitely be able to understand the kids, being a product of the system herself.

"I don't know, Sarah..." Regi shook her head, slowly, a hint of worry creasing her forehead.

"Why not?" He watched as her eyes narrowed towards her friend, but more than that, he felt the tension seep into her body. Shifting the arm he had around her, he squeezed her shoulder as a warning.

"Because, I know you, Sarah. You have a hard time staying objective, at arm's length. You'll catch a bad case, a hard one, a kid who isn't easy —"

"A kid like me, you mean."

"Easy, tiger," he murmured softly to her, squeezing her shoulder again, trying to get some of her focus on him.

"Well yes, maybe. And you'll let it consume you. I love you Sarah, and I don't want to see you get obsessive and self-destructive would happen if you found a kid you couldn't help?"

"I'm fine. It's different. I'm different now. It's not like you think it was then, either," she said sharply. He could feel her getting more and more worked up, and he made a small shushing noise that she ignored. Well, not quite ignored. He cringed as he felt her elbow connect with his ribs.

Regi sighed, and he glanced over to see her shooting Sarah a pointed look.

"The Seward case was a disaster. And I was RIGHT," Sarah snapped. He could tell from the tension coursing underneath his hand that this wasn't going anywhere good.

"CHILL, Linden," he demanded. She needed to calm the fuck down and think. God, he never thought he'd see the day when he suggested she think .

"You ended up —" Regi started, but stopped talking as Sarah flew out of her chair.

"You don't know me. You don't know how it really was. I can't do this," she snapped, and practically bolted for the door. His heart stopped for half a beat. She wasn't going to run, was she? What the hell?

"C'mon —" he started to protest, but she was already out the door. He sighed and shook his head, fighting back the initial panic. He couldn't stop her, he knew, and nothing good would come from not giving her at least a few minutes of space. But he needed to make sure she knew he was on to her. "Go ahead, Linden. Do your thang," he hollered out lazily. "I'll just track ya down and drag ya back." The slamming of the door was the only answer he received. He breathed out a long breath and watched her storm down the dock. Shit.

"She's always leaving." Regi shook her head, disappointment evident in her voice. "Just can't let people help her."

"Nah. She's mostly better. Just some things get her worked up. That head of hers."

"That head of hers just pushes everyone away. Doesn't let people stay."

"No," he said vehemently, his eyes narrowing. "That head of hers is worth the effort. Just gotta keep her chill, ya know?" He paused, sighed. "Thing is...she may have agreed to stay, and she's really really tryin', but I think it's scary for her, right now. So she's a bit edgy n' worried n' out of sorts. And she's dealin' with all the stuff she ran away from when she left. And she's still Linden. She don't take criticism so well. She takes it personal, you know? Like when you criticized her like that, she just feels like she ain't good 'nuff. Like you're gearing up to leave, and it's because she ain't enough. I know — I know — you're not gearin' up to leave, but she doesn't think that way. You criticize, she thinks you're unhappy with her, that she ain't good enough, that you're gonna reject her...so she leaves first."

"We all need people to call us on it when we're on the wrong path, though," Regi pointed out.

"Yeah, but you gotta do it right. Gently. Pick at her a bit. Tease her. Make it a joke. Piss her off, but back off. Bring it back. Josh around with her. Poke at her a bit more. Let her stew on it a while, while you pick around something else. It annoys the fuck outta her, but it works. Then at some point, she'll bring it up. You poke it around some more — gently — helping her see a different way, maybe. And then she'll be all silent and frosty for a bit, and then just when you think she's never gonna talk to you again, she'll go, 'Hmmm. Maybe you're right.' And then you're good again. Y'see? You can't PUSH that woman. Her brain is too busy being all wound up to handle being pushed."

"You really seem to understand her. And it's clear you care about her. But she's just going to repeat the same patterns till she learns to unwind it. Don't you think?"

"She's been through a lot, Regi. More'n you know. I'm just so happy that she came out on the other side and came back. Thought she'd left Seattle behind for good, because of it. But she's back. And she's tryin'. It'll be ok." God, he hoped it would be ok.

Regi nodded, with a thoughtful look in her eye that made him think that she really was receptive to what he was saying. "It's good she has you."

"Depends on the day. Right now I'm so scared to say the wrong thing that I'm...sometimes agreein' with her when I maybe shouldn't," he sighed. "And letting her get out the door without calling her on this shit."

"You going after her?"

He thought for a second. "Nah..." he reached in his pocket and dangled his keys between them. "She can't get far without these."

He'd barely finished speaking when he heard her feet stomp back on deck and she pounded on the door. "C'mon, Holder!" she yelled.

"Be back in five," he winked at Regi, before getting to his feet and heading out to calm her down. This time, he wasn't going to let her leave a friend in anger or hurt.

* * *

"Let's go," she demanded, as soon as she saw Holder ducking out the door. She was crawling out of her skin, she just needed to go. She didn't know why she had thought it could be different, now; why she thought anything would have changed. She was never going to be able to make the right choices.

"Can't. Kalia's sleeping below. And yo, I thought you were done running away." He caught her eye, and it felt like he was forcing her to maintain eye contact as he stepped closer to her. She didn't know how Holder always managed to push those buttons, but he did. She tried to pull away, but he saw the move coming and then his hands were on her shoulders, tugging her back. Silently, he shook his head at her.

"Let me go, Holder. I can't do this. I'm not." She'd been on this merry-go-round before, and it always ended the same — with Regi not understanding and her not measuring up. She couldn't handle the disappointment in Regi's eyes when she didn't measure up. Not then, and not now. "I'm not doing this and don't you **dare** accuse me of running away."

"Looks like runnin' to me. Regi says something you didn't want to hear, so you're gonna run? Doesn't matter that she loves you, wants you to be your best self. You didn't like her worries, so you're gonna run?"

Her fists clenched and she bit back her first instinctive retort, which was going to be to tell him to fuck off. She really wanted to, but she didn't want him to actually take her up on it and walk away.

"You never did know when to keep your mouth shut. That's not the way it is," she said instead, trying to pull away again. His fingers tightened on her shoulders, almost to the point of pain, and he didn't let her gain any backwards ground.

"Then QUIT LEAVING," he enunciated carefully, his voice controlled. She noticed that he ignored her dig at him, but the set of his jaw told her that he was more upset than he wanted to let on. "You gotta quit runnin' away all the time. Just cause you don't like what someone's got to say. Sometimes, they might even be right."

"You think Regi's right," she said slowly, suddenly realizing that maybe none of them really had faith in her. "You think I'd go nuts again, too."

His eyes narrowed at her and she recognized his look — it was his I can't believe you could really think that, after everything , look. ""What? I didn't say that. But she could have a point, right? It's worth thinkin' on, don'tcha think?"

"No! You **know** I wasn't wrong, you **know** there were reasons why these cases got under my skin. You were **there** , Holder. You KNOW."

"Thing is, Linden, Regi doesn't know that. She don't know any of it. So she doesn't have that information to factor into her perspective. All she knows is that Sarah Linden got too twisted up about two of her cases, and ended up in a bad way, twice...and left everyone the second time, without even sayin' goodbye. She doesn't know why, she just knows it happened. She just knows that you fly off the handle sometimes, and it makes no sense."

She knew Holder was talking, but she really wasn't listening. She was just too angry and upset to process it all. She just couldn't understand why Regi couldn't just have faith in her. So she latched onto the part she did hear — that Regi didn't know why she got so messed up over the Seward case. And she jumped on it.

"Well then maybe it's time for her to know why," she blurted, and looked Holder square in the eye.

She watched as his face morphed into something that looked like abject horror. "Now THAT is a terrible idea, Linden. A fucking terrible idea."

"I don't care. I want to tell her. Maybe then she could understand. I need her to understand, Holder." Her throat was closing, anxiety making it hard for her to breathe.

"Linden. That can't get out. It **can't**." He had her by the shoulders, and gave her a sharp, quick shake that jarred her into taking in a quick, startled breath. "It's done, it's over, and people more powerful than us have hid it deeper than the bottom of the fucking ocean. We can't shake that up."

She tried to jerk away, but he held fast and wouldn't let her break free. A twist of panic threaded through her at being restrained. "Let me go," she hissed.

"Sarah. Please." His voice softened and his grip on her shoulders loosened, enough that she could have shrugged him off. The use of her first name surprised her, though, enough that she stopped struggling. She looked up at him and waited.

"Listen to me. We can't talk about what we done. Or what Skinner did. To anyone. Not even Regi. I know you want her to understand, but you're gonna hafta do it a different way. Prove to her that it's different now. That you won't get upset and run. That you won't get too invested. You don't need to show that she's wrong about before, you just need to show that it ain't that way now."

"I —" She didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to... she was lost, with no idea how to find purchase anymore. "I don't know how to do this, Holder," she admitted in a whisper. And then his arms were around her, pulling her close to him, sheltering her.

"You go back in. Apologize," he said, his voice soft against her ear. "And it goes from there. Easy." At his addendum, she pulled back, narrowed eyes. He'd better not be patronizing her, she thought.

"Easy for who, exactly?"

"Ok, so not easy.. .but right. C'mon. Quit stewin', go in, and fix this." He took a step towards the door, tugging her along with him.

She swallowed convulsively, her stomach rolling around. The chili, good though it was, suddenly wasn't sitting well at all. She dragged her feet, avoiding progress towards the door. "We could just..."

"No. Old Linden would run away. New and improved Linden is gonna march her ass back in there and own this."

She looked at him a long moment, trying to convince herself that she was wrong about the truth she read in his eyes. He was right, she knew that. But she didn't want to believe it, because she didn't know how to do what he asked. She didn't know how to backtrack, how to relate to people well enough to manage it. That was the nice thing about Holder — she didn't really have to. But with Regi? She just didn't know how to walk back in there, and move forward. Of course, it was Holder standing beside her, so he basically took matters into his own hands and before she totally realized it, he had steered her back through the door and into the boat.

* * *

She was standing in the middle of the room, Holder's body warm and steady against her back. He had one hand rested on ther hip, as if he was trying to anchor her. Fine, she thought, but as she looked at Regi, she couldn't find any words.

"I...I don't know how to do this. Regi. I don't...know how."

Regi sighed. "I'm not trying to hurt you, Sarah. But you do this, all the time, this pattern. It's not just taking what we say personally, it's being willing to compromise relationships over it. I don't want to keep hurting you, and if that's all that's happening, if all I'm doing is hurting you..."

"No," she interjected sharply, her heart twisting into something painful and ugly that she couldn't quite identify. Holder had moved and she could see him shaking his head out of the corner of his eye. At Regi? Or her? She wasn't sure, she didn't know, and she didn't think she cared. "That's not what's happening. It's you not understanding that there were reasons. There were **reasons** , Regi." She hated the desperation in her voice, hated herself for feeling it.

"This is what I mean, though. I'm not trying to hurt you, but you aren't considering how this feels for us, watching you lose perspective. What it's like to want to help you, but never manage to do it right."

"I know, Regi, and I am. And I'm trying to be better about that. I'm **trying** ," she insisted. "But you act like I'm crazy. Like I'm going to go nuts again."

"Do you blame me for worrying, Sarah? I don't want to see you go through that again."

"I **won't** , though. I wasn't even nuts the first time. He drove me to it. I was **right**."

"Linden." Her name, sharp off Holder's tongue, shot her back to that night by the lake, when he'd said it in similar tone. A warning. A plea to stop before she destroyed everything. She could hear it, but the roar in her ears was louder.

"I was **right** , Regi. You don't know what really happened."

"No one ever does, Sarah. You don't let anyone in enough for them to know."

"I know," Holder whispered in her ear. She thought he might have been trying to remind her to keep her shit together, but she was past that now. "Linden. Enough." But it was too late. If Regi wanted to be let in, she was going to let her in.

"Ray Seward didn't kill his wife," she blurted. Regi looked like she was going to say something, so she kept going before she could. "Jimmy did it. James Skinner killed Tricia Seward and dozens of young girls —"

"You got the guy who did that. Isn't he on death row?" Regi interjected.

"Joe Mills was the scapegoat Skinner set up. Skinner killed those girls. Adrian Seward saw him dumping bodies. Skinner saw Adrian. He wasn't there to kill Tricia, he was there to kill Adrian. And then it just happened that we got the call about Tricia's body. And I was right, Seward wasn't the one. But Jimmy was. And I didn't see it. And then...Joe and Bullet and...they were all just victims. Skinner's victims. And I was too late, and Seward's dead." She drew in a ragged breath, and another, trying to get air into her lungs.

"What happened to Skinner?" Regi asked, her voice quiet and almost emotionless.

"He killed himself after we found out," she heard Holder say, at the exact same time as she blurted out, "I shot him. He said he had Adrian. He said he killed Adrian. He...so I shot him."

She heard Regi's sharp intake of breath, but it was as if she was miles away. Floating, maybe. Watching everything unravel. The pale, stunned expression on Regi's face. The dark look of betrayal on Holder's. She recognized that it was all because of her. She took a long, deep, shaky breath, and then another, trying to get herself back together. And then, she figured, she might as well finish. She locked her eyes on Holder's feet, too sick to her stomach to look at either of them.

"I...eventually they found him. And more girls. In the lake. I...I confessed... Richmond came in...he had the coroner report it as a suicide. He covered it up. He didn't want the city knowing that one of Seattle PD's finest was the Pied Piper. So he let Joe Mills take the rap. And I was free. Except...I wasn't. I broke everything." She looked up at Regi, her stomach rolling. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry," she repeated, to Holder this time. And she was. So sorry, for all of the things she couldn't fix. She couldn't quite decipher Regi's expression, but Holder was a statue, and he wouldn't look at her. "I'm so, so sorry," she choked out, and then she fled.


	12. Shipwrecked

"I don't know her at all," Regi murmured, rubbing a hand across her face. She couldn't conceive that the Sarah she watched grow up could have the capability to hurt someone. "The Sarah I thought I knew... She would have never..."

"It wasn't Sarah," Holder shot out sharply. "It was suicide. Basically," he sighed, meeting her eyes.

"You're covering for her. Trivializing her actions. You're defending what she did." The thought made her nervous. If he'd enable these behaviours of Sarah's, how could anything ever be any different?

"Nothing trivial about it," Holder sighed. "She shot him. But he made her do it. It was suicide...suicide by cop," he muttered bitterly. "The fucking coward bullied and manipulated and broke her until she had no other choice. "

"There are always choices."

He shook his head. "It was horrible. I almost had her talked outta it. And then he started again. Goin' on 'bout how she loved him..how it had to be her. He'd killed dozens of young girls, he was a monster...and he kept taunting her about how she loved him, loved a monster." He let out a harsh breath, shaking his head again. When he looked up at her the expression on his face could have broke her heart, and she wasn't much for being maudlin. "He did everything he could to force her into it. And she's had a very hard time living with it, I think. With what she did. And with what she thinks is her fault. All those girls. Adrian's ma. Seward."

"I don't even know what to think. What she did...it's not right."

"She paid for paid big for it. She don't deserve to be punished more."

"She killed a man, and then she tried to cover it up."

"No. I did that. I did the cover-up." His face twisted. "I think if I hadn'ta got there, she woulda just sat down and waited for someone to arrest her. I was scared she mighta even resisted arrest, forced the cops to shoot her. She wanted me to arrest her. I pushed her into covering it up. She had Jack, y'know? I had to protect her from herself. For her. For Jack."

"You really love her."

"She's... She's the only person who looked at me and saw something good," he admitted. "Don't give up on her Regi. She needs us. We're all she's got. And...And I need her. I'm mad as hell at her right now, but I need her."

She let out a breath, trying to put her thoughts into words. "She's practically a daughter to me. I love her." She looked out the window, where Sarah was leaning over the railing, retching. "I have no idea what to say to say to her."

"Start by tellin' her that. That you love her," he said, shrugging. She couldn't stop her eyebrows from raising. If there was anything she knew about Sarah, it's that emotion was more likely to make her run than keeping things light. Her skepticism must have shown on her face, because Holder was offering her a wry grin. "She might not be comfortable hearing it, but she probably needs to." He paused, seeming to consider this. "In fact, I know she needs to. She thinks everyone'll leave her."

"I can't seem to..." She trailed off, looking out towards Sarah again. "At what point are we just enabling this? Her self-destructive behaviours."

"She's... She didn't walk away unchanged, Regi. She's suffered for what she's done. We both have. She's a good person. A good person who got pushed until she broke and did a terrible thing. It's just... It's not black and white. She's a victim, too. Even though she doesn't see it that way."

"Daddy?" Kalia's voice surfaced, interrupting her opportunity to respond. "I need Bear to sleep."

"C'mere, Pumkin," Holder crouched down, opened his arms. She watched as the little girl staggered sleepily into his arms and cuddled close. "We'll go home soon, put you to bed with Bear. You just go lie down again while I finish talking to Regi."

"You're a good father," Regi observed. She looked out at Sarah, then back at him. He was looking at Sarah too, pain and worry etched into his face. His daughter was looking between them, her eyes shining with tears.

"I need bear," Kalia said again, her voice hiccuping. "I need bear!" The little girl started to cry in earnest.

"Why don't you take them home? And tell Sarah to come see me tomorrow."

"I can't be alone with her right now." His head jerked towards the window where they could see Sarah, leaning on the rail, staring down at the water. Kalia's cries got louder, almost drowning him out, but his voice stayed soft, so Regi leaned in closer to hear. " I need...to not be alone with her, just yet. I'm so fucking mad at her...For risking everything we could have in a fit of anger. You can't tell anyone, Regi," he added after the briefest pause. "ANYONE. If it gets out, Richmond'll get her locked up in psych for the rest of her life. To discredit her. To keep it under wraps. It would break her, Regi."

"I want BEAR," Kalia wailed.

She let out a rough breath, shook her head, trying to sort through it all. "I don't pretend to understand it, but... I don't see what good letting it get out would do. Listen, Sarah can stay here tonight," she offered. It would give her time to figure out what to say, to reconcile the person she knew with this new information.

"Can't leave her here all night. She'll think I left her for good." He rubbed Kalia's back, made a shushing noise.

"I'll drive her home in a couple of hours," she suggested instead.

"Yeah," Holder nodded. "Yeah. That's a good idea." He moved to the couch, put Kalia down. "You just stay here for a minute, Princess. I'm going to go talk to Sarah and then we'll go home, ok?" The little girl shrieked and cried harder, kicking her feet against the couch. Regi felt nothing but sympathy for him as he shot her a confused, uncomfortable look before he ducked out the door.

* * *

"Hey."

Sarah heard Holder behind her, but didn't turn. She wasn't sure what to do now. She didn't feel better for having told Regi, like she thought she would. And, she thought, Holder was probably pissed. She couldn't even blame him. She ignored his feelings on the matter completely. What kind of partnership was that?

She jumped at the unexpected contact of his hands on her shoulders, and before she could get her wits about her, he had her turned around, facing him. "Look at me, Sarah," he muttered, and then he was tipping her chin up until her eyes were forced to meet his.

"Kalia woke up upset. I'm gonna take her home. Regi'll bring you back in a couple hours, after you guys talk."

She shook her head. No, no, she wasn't staying. She wasn't going to stay and listen to Regi tell her to get the hell out of her life. She would just leave and not come back, without hearing it. It would be easier that way, she thought. "I'll go with you now," she decided.

"No." She startled at his emphatic, harsh disagreement. "You're gonna stay here, and finish this. You opened this shit show can of worms up, you gotta finish it."

She could feel the panic rise up in her chest, and she shook her head sharply to combat it. "I can't."

"I told you not to do it, Linden. You did it anyways. Now you need to fix it. Talk to Regi. Guaranteed she's a helluva lot less mad at you than I am, right now. I'll see you in a couple of hours." He framed her face with both his hands and looked at her a long minute. "I can't fix everything for you, Linden. Sometimes, you gotta do your own fixin'."

"I didn't ask. You. To fix it," she snarled, jerking out of his grasp. He looked at her as she glared at him, and then shook his head, turned and was gone, back into the boat, and then off down the docks with a wailing Kalia in his arms. In that moment, as she watched his form recede in the distance, she felt more alone than she ever had before. "I didn't ask you to fix it," she whispered again, to the salty sea air. Maybe, she thought, there was nothing left to fix. Maybe there never had been.

She was still staring out into the darkness, gripping the rail so hard her hands were cramping up, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall, when she heard Regi clear her throat behind her.

"Sar—"

"Don't. I can't. Not right now. Not anymore." She leaned against the rail for support, squeezing her eyes shut. She couldn't deal with the horror and disappointment she knew would be on Regi's face, if she turned around.

Behind her, Regi sighed. "I love you Sarah. You're the closest thing to a daughter I have, the kid who wormed her way into my heart despite herself. It...It breaks my heart to know that I didn't do well enough by you. Well enough to help you."

"It's not your fault. I was just...am just...broken. Too broken to fix, maybe."

"Nothing's too broken to fix. Talk to me, Sarah, and we can fix this."

She shook her head, at a loss for even start. "If it was fixable, you'd have fixed it when I was a kid."

"Talk to me, Sarah," Regi repeated.

She opened her mouth to try, but the words wouldn't come. She offered Regi a helpless shrug, because it was all she had.

Regi sighed. "Why would he do it? Kill those girls?" she asked, and Sarah wasn't sure if it was an honest question or if Regi was ruminating on it, but it helped her find some words.

"He told them he was saving them. He told me he was saving them. He was cleaning up the streets and saving them from themselves." She turned to face Regi and then had to force herself to look up, to meet her eyes. "He had a teenage daughter he adored, but he raped and killed 12 year old girls, other peoples' daughters, and that was okay because he was taking out the trash. They called him the Pied Piper — the media — and it almost fits. He took those girls, led them to their deaths. There are more, you know. He said there were others. In other places. Not just the pond where we found the first bodies, and the ones at the lake when we found his car. Other places. He said they'd never be found."

She stopped, shook her head, trying to swallow around the lump in her throat. "It's the loneliest thing in the world, waiting to be found. And he's condemned them to an eternity of it."

"You're found, Sarah. You were found as a 5 year old, and you're found now." Regi moved closer to her, sitting on the bench along the rail. She patted the seat next to her, but Sarah wasn't ready to sit, yet, so she stayed standing.

"On the way out to the lake that night, Ji— he talked about how it felt, right before he'd kill those girls. He acted like it was almost spiritual, killing someone. I think part of me wanted to know if that was true."

"Was it?"

"No...not really. Well, the fact that it shut him up for good was satisfying, at the time." She laughed, a sharp, bitter sound even to her own ears. "But it was horrible. I wish...I wish that I had listened to Holder. Put the gun down. I wish that we had arrested him. They'd have dredged the lake, found the bodies, City Hall wouldn't have been able to cover it up, not without letting him go free to keep killing. He wouldn't have gotten away with framing Joe Mills." She had to stop and take a breath, closing her eyes to try and keep her mind clear and her emotions in check. "Two innocent men were convicted of and executed for crimes they didn't commit. And they're both my fault. All those girls... my fault. I should have known. What he was. I should have stopped him."

"What he did isn't your fault, Sarah. You're only responsible for your actions. Not his. You're not responsible for Seward, or for Joe Mills' arrest. You're not responsible for those girls. Only for what you did, to Skinner."

"He was a monster. How could I not know he was a monster? If I had known, maybe Seward wouldn't have hung. Maybe some of those girls would still be alive. He said it was my fault, because I didn't stop him. And then I shot him and now you know and...and you think I'm a monster too. Because I was capable of it. Of evil. I don't...deserve what Holder's offering me."

"You're not a monster, Sarah."

"I killed him. He was unarmed, on his KNEES. You've always believed there's right, and there's wrong. How can you NOT think that?" Regi started to respond, but she cut her off, too scared of what she might hear. She turned away, staring back out across the harbour. "You know...when I was on the road... I had a lot of time to think. I convinced myself that there really isn't a "bad guy." My whole career I was trying to get the bad guy. After I got out of the psych ward, I realized I didn't even know who the hell that was anymore. And in so many cases, it seemed like someone did something terrible for...not necessarily the right reasons, but it wasn't because they were monsters. They just...hit a breaking point, I guess. So I convinced myself there isn't one, no bad guy, there's just life. Because then I'm not one."

"You're not, Sarah. To kill that many times, it's obvious that he could justify what he did and go back looking for more. He enjoyed the feeling and kept killing, right?" Regi paused, waited until she nodded. "Did you? Enjoy it? Would you do it again?"

"No, never. Never again. If I could go back...I wouldn't have done it then, either. But right at that moment? Yes, I enjoyed it. I was GLAD. Because it shut him up. He'd finally shut up. I didn't have to listen to him tell me it was my fault, remind me that I loved him, that I loved a monster. How could I love a monster?"

"You didn't know."

"I should have known." The very idea made the bile in her stomach rise again and it was all she could do not to heave over the rail, again. "How could I not know? He said it was because I'm the same, that I could have known but didn't want to see."

"You couldn't know because he showed you who he wanted to see, not because you chose not to. He was the only monster. Not you. And yes, there's good and there's bad and there's right and there's wrong, and killing him was wrong. You should have let the law take care of it. But you know that, and you've punished yourself enough. Your conscience, Sarah — that's what makes you a good person who did a terrible thing. And this cover up, it gave you a second chance. Take that chance. Grab it with both hands and hang on to it, because what you have? With Holder? That's special. He's your person, the one who knows you right down to your core, who knows all of your bad and loves you anyways, who sees all of your good and rejoices in it. And you know him the same way." Regi leaned forward, towards her, into her space a bit. She looked down at their hands as Regi grasped hers. "You deserve this, Sarah, despite everything."

She was at a total loss for what to say, and couldn't do anything other than shake her head. "Regi..." She stopped, inhaled, let it out again. "Maybe you were right, the other day. Seattle's no good for me."

"No. I was wrong, that day. Holder needs you as much as you need him. Coming back was right. Coming home was right. What I saw on the boat today? That's two people who belong together. I've never seen anyone look at you the way he does, and I've never seen you that way either. You have the opportunity for real happiness, now, and you absolutely should be back in Seattle, taking it."

She shook her head, frustrated. "I thought... I'd already come to terms with so much of this... but now that I'm back it's all out of control again. I feel out of control again. I want to be happy, to just have good days, to make Holder happy. But I'm all over the place, and mostly I just feel like everything is out of control. Like I'm going to lose everything. Like I can't just be happy, not even for one day. Holder says it's because now that I'm back I actually have to face it all, but... I don't want to be like this. Whatever this is. Volatile."

"You've kept a hell of a secret, Sarah. Secrets eat at you."

She opened her mouth to reply, but stopped as she noticed a small shadow walking unevenly down the docks. "Who's that?" Her eyes narrowed. "A drunk?" Regi moved closer to her, touched her shoulder briefly. She forced herself not to flinch away from the contact.

"Shit," Regi muttered. "Not a drunk. Alice." A moment later, the person on the docks stopped and stared up at them from below. She was small; short and tiny. Or maybe not — maybe it was just the way she was standing on the docks below them, with her arms wrapped protectively around herself, that made her appear elvin, diminutive. Small even compared to her.

"What are you doing here?" Regi called down, and the girl took a noticeable step backwards, away from the boat.

"Geraldine locked me out again." Alice's tone was full of dare — challenging Regi to disagree with her, daring Regi to take her on, or dismiss her. Sarah caught the vibe right away, because she still remembered well when she pushed off the same attitude. "And there aren't anymore ferries to the island, so I can't crash there. You got room here?"

"It's after midnight, Alice. The only place you're supposed to be 'crashing' is at your foster home, and you should have been home hours ago."

"I was there at nine. I was locked out. So I didn't just run off and not come home at night. I came here. You can't use this to keep Grace from me."

"Three and a half hours to get here, Alice? No one is keeping Grace from you. You saw her this afternoon."

Alice snorted. "Mary never brought her."

"Well, sometimes things come up."

"She didn't even call to cancel," Alice muttered. "Won't answer her phone. All she ever tells me is I'm a bad influence. I took **care** of Grace. I've never done anything wrong. And neither has Grace. Stop punishing us!"

"Where've you been all evening?"

"Walking here."

"There are buses, Alice," Regi said pointedly, with a shake of her head.

"Used my last ticket going home from the park, and I had no change. Look, can I crash here tonight, or not? Cause I really don't want to be stuck on the streets, and I need a few hours of sleep. I've got an exam tomorrow."

"Just give me a few minutes to make a couple of calls. Come up on the boat."

Contrary to her words, Regi didn't move — she just stood, watching the girl on the docks, until Alice climbed on board and perched on the edge of one of the benches, as if poised to run. Sarah knew that look, and the feeling that went along with it. Regi headed into the cabin, leaving Sarah and Alice on deck. In silence, they watched as she paced the cabin on her phone, her expression vacillating from annoyance to confusion.

"I shouldn't have come," Alice muttered after a couple of minutes, getting up.

"Stop." Sarah stood, moving over to block Alice from the boat's exit. "Let Regi sort it out." When the girl cowered back a bit, she took a step back, giving her some extra space. "Give her a few minutes to sort it out," she repeated.

"She'll just believe whatever they say anyways."

"Regi's fair. You can trust her."

"Of course you'll say that. You're her friend."

"I've known her my whole life." And the truth was, Regi had always been there for her, always come through for her. Even after all of the times she'd blown her off, lashed out at her, and tried to ruin their relationship, Regi had still been there, still let her come back. Hell, she was still standing on the boat now...wasn't she? "If you're straight with her, Regi'll go to the wall for you. Trust me. You want her in your corner."

"Here's the plan," Regi's voice startled her, and Alice too, judging by the way the girl jumped, eyes darting as she looked for an escape route. "Sarah and I are going to take you home. Tomorrow morning, I'm going to make some calls and sort this whole situation out. I don't need you locked out of your house, or them feeling like they need to, but it's late, and everyone's tired, so we're not going to even try to figure it out tonight."

"What about Grace?" Alice demanded.

"I'll get to the bottom of that, too. Let's go." Regi shot Sarah an apologetic look, and gestured both of them off the boat.

The drive to Alice's foster home was mostly silent. Sarah sat in the passenger seat, watching out the window. The haze from the streetlights was as much of a blur as her thoughts. She felt almost numb. A mixture of fear, emotional exhaustion, and something she couldn't identify weighed on her, so she closed her eyes against the light and just tried to breathe.

Alice spoke up from the backseat, sometime about 10 minutes into their drive. "So if you've known Regi your whole life, what is she — your aunt?" Her tone was defiant, challenging, with a slight undertone of curiosity.

"Something like that," Regi answered, as she signalled to turn left into a residential neighborhood.

"She was my social worker," Sarah said quietly, wondering if this was the girl's way of trying to decide if she could trust Sarah's opinion of Regi. She saw Regi glance sharply at her out of the corner of her eye, so she turned her head away again, not knowing what else to say.

She waited in the car while Regi escorted Alice to the house. The girl went inside and Regi had a short but obviously heated conversation with the woman at the door, before climbing back into the car with a groan. "Jesus," she muttered.

"Why do they have foster kids if they're locking them out?"

"She wanted an older kid to help with the younger ones. She doesn't want Alice coming back in "at all hours of the night, high on god knows what." — in her words. God."

"She's not an addict. She has none of the tells."

"No, she's not. Kid has her own agenda, though, and it seems to have weird hours. And she's silent and secretive and that isn't helping. Tonight is the most I've ever heard come out of her mouth. But she's not into drugs or anything illegal. Otherwise, she'd just run and not come back. God, I'm getting too old for this." Regi sighed, and put the car into drive. "How do I get to Holder's?"

Other than Sarah's directing, they didn't speak on the way out. Sarah was more than talked out anyways. She protested, half-heartedly, when Regi got out to walk her to the building's entrance. When they got there, Regi cleared her throat, making her look up.

"Thank you, Sarah. For saying what you did to Alice back there on the boat."

Not knowing what to do, she shrugged. "It was the truth."

"Maybe," Regi said. "But still appreciated. Listen. I have a couple of appointments in the morning, and I have to sort out the Alice situation. Why don't you meet me at the boat around one tomorrow afternoon, and we'll go out, you and I. Sort the rest of this out. Ellen doesn't come back until Tuesday, so I'm free and clear."

"I... Maybe. Yeah. Maybe." She didn't know what she wanted to do, or if Regi would even want her out there after she'd had some time to process what she'd been told.

"Just be there, Sarah." Regi surprised her then by pulling her into a tight hug. "Everything'll be fine," she added, before letting go.

Sarah let herself in through the front door and then watched as her oldest friend got back in her car. Maybe...Maybe it wasn't totally broken after all. But right now, she felt so beaten down and overwhelmed that she just couldn't quite believe that.

She let herself into the apartment, careful to be quiet. The apartment felt dark and empty, which surprised her more than it probably should have. _It's 2am, Sarah,_ she reminded herself. _Of course he's asleep._ It was probably for the better, anyways, she figured. She knew she wouldn't sleep without nightmares, and she was drained, exhausted. She felt beaten, battered, and empty and she wouldn't have been able to explain to him...to find enough words to make him understand why. And she knew he was angry when he left the boat. He'd never been angry like that before, that she could remember. She knew by his tone, by how distant he was, hell, he'd even told her straight out. A mad Holder lashed out... but when he was so angry that he didn't lash out? That he would leave without her? She didn't know what to do with that, or how to fix it.

She padded to the window and looked out, wrapping her arms around herself, wishing they were his. She felt like she was going to explode out of her skin. She wanted to run. A long, hard run until she couldn't breathe, couldn't think. But her running clothes were in the bedroom and she didn't want to wake him.

She couldn't blame him for being mad. She lost control of her emotions...again. Every time she lost control, he picked up the pieces. He'd patch her back together as best he could and they'd continue on until the next time she blew it all up. It wasn't fair to him, she thought. It wasn't fair to him at all. She wondered how many more times he'd be willing to do it.

"Linden." As if summoned, his voice floated in from somewhere behind her. She couldn't tell from one low whispered word, where they stood. She wanted to turn and face him, but she couldn't quite bring herself to do it.

She was still struggling with herself when he spoke again. "You comin' to bed, or what?"

The best she could manage was a shake of her head. Words just wouldn't come past the lump in her throat and the bile rising from her stomach.

Somewhere behind her, Holder sighed. "I can't keep doing this, Sarah."


	13. Rollercoster

He hadn't really been sleeping. He just couldn't figure out how the day could start off as an unqualified success and end with his kid having a total meltdown and his woman flipping her shit, blowing everything up, and puking off the side of the boat. He didn't know if he could do this every day for the rest of his life — trying, thinking he was succeeding, failing anyways. And, angry though he was at her, he was missing Sarah. His bed felt empty, without her. He wasn't sure how he felt about it being that way, after just barely a week, but there it was. She was systematically destroying his ability to think, predict, and to sleep without her beside him. The only solution he could think of was just to make sure he didn't lose her. But how was he supposed to do that? Especially with her vacillating from normal, adjusted, attempts at making a real life with him to self-destructing right before his eyes.

Realistically, Regi would keep their secret, he knew. She wasn't going to ruin Sarah's life over it. But what would happen if it was someone else? It wasn't that he condoned what Richmond had done, hidin' it all. Or what Sarah had done, killing the man. But it was done, and it was hid, and hiding it saved them, and so many cans of worms could be opened up if anything got out now. Hell, he still remembered Richmond's implied threat, warning Sarah about her mental history. He didn't want to see her institutionalized. It would break her, and he'd lose her for good. It was probably inevitable that she'd tell Regi, and truth be told she needed someone to talk to about it — someone other than him. And he needed to know that there was someone else watching her back, who knew what her trauma was. Someone else who could help her. Who could help him help her. Because he didn't really know what to do. He didn't know how to help her be less prickly, less prone to taking everything personal, to feeling like a failure every time she was questioned or criticized. He understood why she did, kind of, but not really. And he didn't know how to fix it. Five days a week he spent his day helping people fix themselves, but he didn't know how to help the one person who mattered most to him fix herself.

No, no, she doesn't need to be fixed. Don't think that, he corrected himself. She doesn't need fixing, she just needs to be patched up.

But he didn't know how, and it terrified him. Terrified him because he felt like he was on a rollercoaster, the Sarah Linden roller coaster... sometimes up and happy and coasting smoothly along, sometimes barreling 90 miles an hour straight down the tracks and the brakes don't work. Mostly he was terrified, because when it got to the end of the track that roller coaster was gonna crash with such force he was pretty sure he'd be sent flying into the stratosphere, never to find his place here on earth again. He'd spent the last five years, hell, most of his life, without her... but he didn't know if he could survive going without her again. And that terrified him right to the very core of his broken soul.

He was still lost in his thoughts when he heard the door click open, and then the soft sounds of her footsteps. He rolled to face the door, waiting to see her form darken the entrance, waiting for her to come to bed so that he could hold her, breathe her in, and reassure himself that everything really would be ok. The footsteps stopped, though, and she didn't show up in the room. His stomach twisted as he felt the roller coaster picking up speed.

Realistically he knew he should let her work through her shit and come to him in her own time, just like she did, finally, last week. But part of him was just too scared that it would take her another five years, so he rolled out of bed and moved to the doorway. She was standing by the window, staring out, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. It reminded him of the time she had Jack and stayed with him during the Larsen case. Fragile, he thought. She reminded him of something fragile. And in pain.

"You comin' to bed, or what?" he asked, unsure of what else to say, hoping that if he got her in bed, in his arms, everything would level out and the coaster would slow down. She didn't look at him, just shook her head, the gesture so small he almost couldn't see it. His heart sank somewhere into the pit of his stomach. He didn't know how to stop the roller coaster, and he didn't know how to stay on it, either. "I can't keep doing this, Sarah."

As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he realized they were wrong. The air went totally still in the apartment and he felt her withdraw from the room, as if she had physically left. He fought back the nausea he was starting to feel and stepped forward, slowly, until he was right in front of her. He reached out and touched her cheek with the back of his hand, the contact grounding him. "Sarah," he repeated. "I didn't mean it that way." He waited a moment, but got no reaction. "I didn't mean it, Linden. Not that way."

Finally, she looked up, until her eyes connected with his. He locked his gaze on hers, not letting her look away again. Underneath the closed off emptiness in her eyes, he thought he saw pain and fear, lurking, hiding. He wasn't sure if it was hers, or a mirror of his own.

And then, before he could stop them, words blurted out of him. "It's just… You can't keep reactin', all the time. You have to think. To consider if the people who care about you are just tryin' to help. To trust that we care enough to stay, even if we ARE disappointed at the time. And you gotta quit living in the past. It's time to move forward, Sarah. Stop letting the past rule your life. Look at what's in front of you, at this incredible future lying in front of us, just waiting for us — if you would just quit carin' more about dead people than the ones standing right in front of you today, lovin' you."

She just looked at him, what little expression he thought he'd seen in her eyes draining away to nothing. Fuck, he thought. Now he'd done it. He didn't know why he kept telling her she cared more about the dead — but it wasn't the first time and it never went over well. It wasn't true, either, he knew, even if it's how it felt to him sometimes. He fumbled, trying to find the right thing to say to salvage the even bigger mess he was making of this whole fucked up situation, but before he could, her empty expression shifted into something horrible, something broken.

"You can't wash the past away," she whispered harshly.

"You can't run from it, either. Or live in it," he pointed out. The broken something in her eyes got bigger. He wasn't sure now if it was the past, or his words that put it there. He wished he knew if it even mattered, at this point. He couldn't fix this, or her, or himself maybe even, so what the fuck did it matter? He'd already fucked it up, he might as well finish and be honest about it. "You have a choice. You can swim against it until you get back to land, or you can let it drown you. Your choice. But I can't let it drown me with you. I can't, Sarah. I can't."

"Then don't." Her words came out on a drawn out whispered breath so soft he barely heard her, as she broke eye contact, turning to look out the window again.

Shit. That wasn't the answer she was supposed to give him. And he had no idea what to say or do now. Now he felt like he had betrayed her too, by not saying the right thing, and he didn't even fucking mean to. He moved in front of her again, cupped her cheek, pressed his forehead to hers for a minute while he thought fast for a solution. Before he found one, though, she'd broken away, turned, and walked slowly — almost robotically — into the bathroom. A few seconds later he heard the shower turn on.

He paced the room for a minute, then decided, fuck it, he wasn't letting her run away, not even into another room.

He strode into the bathroom, only to stop short just inside the doorway. The shower was on, but she was standing in the middle of the room, fully dressed. Her arms were wrapped around herself and the tears were streaming down her face, her shoulders shaking with the effort of silence. She didn't acknowledge him. She was almost unresponsive, he thought, and this was bad, because he'd promised Jack they wouldn't lose his mother again. And no way was he breaking that promise. He stepped up to her, pried her arms away from her body, stripped her out of her clothes and then himself. After checking the temperature, he wrapped an arm around her waist and led her to the tub, helping her under the shower spray and following her in. When she looked up at him, voluntarily, her tear-filled eyes were blank, empty. She had locked herself down and wasn't letting anyone in.

"S'alright," he said quietly, then tipped her head to wet her hair. Maybe they should have done this that night, he mused. Gotten clean together. Maybe it would have helped everything that happened after. But then again, maybe not — after all, they were in a different place then. He had Caroline, and a baby he didn't even know about...and she...well, she had made it pretty clear the night Bullet died that that level of intimacy wasn't in the cards. Not then, anyways. But maybe if he had helped her more — helped her get rid of the gun, and those fucking shell casings, maybe it would have been different. He should have realized she would have a hard time throwing them away — they were something to obsess over. If he had taken care of it, there wouldn't have been any lost evidence, and maybe things wouldn't have blown up so bad. Maybe they'd be better now, too. Maybe. He didn't know. He wished he knew.

He washed her hair, gently working the shampoo in, massaging her scalp, careful as he rinsed it not to get soap in her eyes. She was silent, her eyes wide, tears streaming down her face, again. He didn't know if his touch was absolving her, or hurting her more. He wondered if her loss of trust in him over the casings just mirrored his loss of trust in himself, back then. God, it was such a clusterfuck and he really had thought he'd put it away, but now? It was wide open and raw. Both of their souls needed to be cleansed of it. Gently, he bathed her, taking time to wipe at her tears as they mingled with the warm water.

"We're gonna be alright, Linden," he whispered softly as he finished, and then he carefully wrapped her in his arms, pulling her up against him, staying under the warm spray of the water as he held her. He didn't relax until he felt her arms come up around him, until they were holding each other.

"I'm sor-"

He cut her off, his voice muffled in her hair. "It's done," he said softly. "We're good. It's just...we gotta move forward, y'know?" he added. "We gotta keep it all behind us. "

"I know."

"Do you? Know, I mean?" He sighed. "Look... You're gonna have the PTSD stuff to deal with, and it's not like we can't talk about it all, but we have to move forward, too. So you gotta start trusting the people who care about you, that we ain't gonna leave just cause we aren't happy with somethin' you say or do. And you gotta, gotta, GOTTA leave the past in the past. Some things have to stay secret, no matter how much it hurts us."

"I know, Holder."

"You gotta quit letting ghosts, and the dead, and what they've done to you, rule your life," he continued. He wondered if he should have shut up while he was ahead, but now that he had started he may as well finish it. "And you can't use them to justify who you are. You're more than that. Today, on the boat? When you were laughing and being playful, and your hair was all down?" He paused, tightened his arms around her. "That's the person you really can be. Happy. Joyous. Laughing. Incredible. FREE. To be with you, like that, everyday...It...I want that. I want that."

"I...I thought you couldn't keep doing this," she said quietly, without any real inflection in her voice. "You said you can't keep doing this."

"I can't. I can't keep tryin' to save you from yourself if I'm only gonna fail. I want you to stay. More'n anything. But I have Kalia to think of. It's not just me anymore. It's not just me you can hurt. So if it's gonna work, if you're gonna stay, then we gotta get off this rollercoaster from hell. But we'll do it together, yeah?" She didn't answer, but a few long seconds later she leaned into him that little bit more, as if she no longer had the strength to hold herself up. He rubbed his hand up her spine, pressing her closer to him, hoping it gave her some measure of comfort. But he couldn't tell, because she was so closed off that she gave him no real indication.

The water was starting to cool, so he shut it off and wrapped her in a towel before she got chilled. When he was done drying her hair, and drying himself, he picked her up and carried her to the bed, placing her in the centre of it. He pulled the towel away, dropped his, and then joined her. She looked tiny, fragile and lost in the bed, her eyes downcast. When he tried to take her into his arms again, she shrugged away, curling up on her side, separating herself again. It wasn't the first time she'd pulled away from him, but it was the first time it had happened since she came back. A tear leaked out of the corner of her eye.

"Sarah," he murmured, touching her shoulder. She tried to twist away, and he made the snap decision to not let her, leaning over her instead.

"Sarah," he repeated, and she finally looked at him. He squeezed her shoulder gently, ran his hand down her arm and laced her fingers with his. "Close your eyes." 

Her eyes widened, and she let out an uncomfortable laugh that he was pretty sure was involuntary. "I can't sleep. I'll dream."

"Do you trust me?" he asked, praying she'd say yes. "Trust me."

"I..." she started, before her breath hitched her throat, cutting her off.

"Just close your eyes," he whispered. "Trust me. Close your eyes."

The only response he got was an almost imperceptible shake of her head as she averted her eyes. His heart sank to the depths of his stomach. He had no idea how to do this — to reconnect, to support her without pushing her away. Not for the first time, he really wished that Sarah Linden came with an instruction manual. At a complete loss, he threw caution to the wind, leaned down, and kissed her. He kept it gentle, teasing her lips with his, hoping she'd reciprocate. "It's gonna be ok," he murmured against her lips, running his hand down her rib cage.

She gasped out a sob into his mouth as she reached up and pulled him down, crushing her mouth to his. He shifted slightly, settling over her completely as he framed her face in his hands and tangled his fingers in her hair. She wrapped her legs around his waist and arched up against him. His body responded instantly, but he didn't want to rush this.

"Easy," he whispered, trailing kisses down her jawline.

"Please," she whimpered, turning her head so their lips met again. He kissed her, hard, then caught her lower lip in his teeth before trailing kisses down her neck. He nipped at the sensitive skin above her collarbone, making her gasp. Her hands grasped his head and pulled him back up again as she arched against him. He quit trying to wait. His tongue tangled with hers as he slid inside her, but instead of the easy glide in that he had come to expect, he was met with resistance. Friction. He froze, berating himself for rushing it. He tried to pull back, to go back to the beginning, but she locked her legs around his hips and shoved her pelvis up at him, trying to force the issue.

"Sarah," he murmured, dropping a kiss on her cheek, "ease up, let's just take it slow."

She shook her head, twisting it to reach his lips again as she pressed up against him. She wouldn't let him slow it down and he finally gave up trying, closed his eyes and cringed as he pushed the rest of the way in.

He stilled again, trying to give her body time to adjust to the intrusion. She whimpered against his mouth and urged him to move with her hips. He knew her well enough to know that he wouldn't be able to convince her to slow this down, so he slid his tongue into her mouth and set a rhythm that he had to work to keep measured as she kissed him back almost frantically.

She moved with him, pushing up the pace even as he tried to slow down. He was too close, and he needed to hold off, to wait for her. He kissed his way up her neck, nipping at her earlobe before pressing his cheek against hers. It was wet. That realization stopped him in his tracks. He reared back and stared down at her. Even in the dim moonlight he could see her eyes squinted shut, tears tracking down her face. His blood went cold and he froze as he realized that, despite her reciprocation, she was a million miles away and he was accomplishing nothing. Maybe even making it worse. Again. "Sarah," he breathed, wiping a tear away with his thumb.

Her eyes flew open. "It's ok... It's ok... Holder. Just...finish." Her words came out halting, through the tears.

"Sarah, I... That's not what..." Words failed him. This was supposed to be for her, not him, but he didn't know how to tell her — didn't know how to say it so that she would understand. The bloody grand canyon had opened up between them and he had just failed epically at bridging the gap. He shook his head, and she started to cry harder. "Sarah," he whispered again, two, three times. He rolled them until he was on his side and wrapped her in his arms as she gasped out a heartbroken sob. She turned her face into his shoulder to muffle her cries and came totally undone, her whole body shaking. She sobbed out garbled words. He thought he heard her say I break everything. He'd never seen her like this. He couldn't fix this. The only thing he could do was tighten his hold on her, bury his face in her hair, and try to absorb her pain as much as he could... and hope to hell that they could weather the storm and come out on the other side intact.

* * *

When he woke up the next morning, Sarah was inanimate in his arms. It wasn't an immobility that resulted from relaxation in sleep, either. He rubbed his hand up her bare back. The tension in her muscles that indicated she was just barely holding herself together made him feel even worse about the night before. He could tell that she hadn't slept at all. Naturally. He had slept fitfully, dozing mostly. His mind was whirling, and he had mostly been scared that if he had slept too deeply she would slip out and be gone by morning. He knew she cared, loved him even, but he didn't know if she cared enough to stay. To push past her instincts to run. He ran his hand up her back again and tipped his face into her hair, breathing her in before he shifted, moving to untangle them and slide out of the bed. The arm she had around him tightened, clung. That was something at least. He finished extricating himself from her and slid from the bed, pausing briefly to run a hand over her hair before he turned to get dressed. He had to get moving and get Kalia up, or he'd be late.

He turned back to the bed to check on her one last time before leaving the room, and found her curled up, watching him silently. She was pale and drawn, her eyes dull and hollow. He sighed, leaning over the bed. "I have to take Kalia to the bus and get to work. Get some rest, Linden. We'll talk tonight." He kissed her forehead, and then her lips, lingering for half a minute, wanting the contact to last. "I'll see you tonight," he repeated.

He left the house with Kalia, his stomach flipping with every step. Everything felt wrong. He was worried that he'd wrecked her desire to stay, pushed her too hard last night. That the runner in her would overrule her desire to be with him. He was scared she wouldn't be here when he got home. He had no idea what he'd do if she was gone.


End file.
